Day +8: Welcome to the Jungle; We’ve got Fun and Games

Before I get started on what will almost undoubtedly be a lengthy, boring  post, let me first say two things
1)  Thank you for your show of support with my last post.  This week and a half has been murder and I appreciate everyone supporting me through this rough time especially
2)  TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF CHEMO FOR ME!  One more shot of Methotrexate to suppress the ol’ immune system of mine and that’s it.  It’s up to my body to fight and get back to its old fun self.  It sucks because I was just getting over my Mucositis and this will surely bring it back in full effect, but on the other hand, if they deem me healthy enough to suppress my immune system one last time so that the stem cells will have an easier go of it.  BRING IT ON!  I guess.. 
Here are days +8 & +9
So what have I not told you and what’s been going on since day +7? Remember when I whined about being afraid of my hair falling out?  Well….  It did…  Sort of.  On Day +7, a day that I cherished as I got to see Anita after an entire week of our relationship being relegated to our phones, the Internet (Thanks, Mr. Gore!), and Skype, a day that saw my blood count fall below 8.0 and required me to have a transfusion and the promise of energy for a weekend with El Jefe, as she laid me to bed before she was to depart to my sister’s house, she rubbed my head as she knows I love to help me to sleep.  She stopped short her breath, withdrew her hand quickly, I looked up at her worried face as she declared silently, “It’s starting.”  I got up enough to turn around and see that my hair was indeed falling out in clumps.  It prompted this face as she wanted to take “one last picture before it was gone.”

No, my nose is not snotty, it’s got moisturizer in it to keep it from getting bloody fro the Mucositis.  Which doesn’t stop it from getting bloody inside, but I’d hate to think what it would be like if I didn’t add the moisturizer or do the saline rinse… Blech.  Oh, and if you think it looks like I’m about to cry….  Well…. It’s because I’m about to cry.  Don’t pretend like you didn’t expect it!  Anita stayed a little longer to console me and made sure I went to sleep before leaving.
The next morning, my nurse (Nurse Ashley) was totally a Yankees fan.  If nothing else, it assured me that I was in the most capable hands in the hospital.  The day started with my asking Nurse Ashley if we could clip/buzz my hair so that I wouldn’t be subjected to the agony of watching it fall out in clumps (yes, I meant for that sentence to sound as dramatic as it sounded… It’s me people).  She said that she’d get my meds ready, get the clippers and be back in 20 minutes.  My sister rushed over not realizing that 20 minutes in “UPENN Hospital” time could really be over an hour.  Anita followed shortly thereafter and while the first pair of clippers didn’t work, the second pair did.  And slowly but surely, with that unmistakable barber shop buzzing sound, my hair fell to the floor, clump by clump.  I sat in the chair with a mixture of shock and relief on my face.  Relief that I could now stop worrying about it and shock that I WAS LOSING MY HAIR!  Even if by my own hand!  Everyone knows I love my hair!  It’s basically the only physical part about my body that I like.  And there it went.  Bzzzzzzzz.
It felt like an eternity later, but when it was over, I was handed the clippers, walked over to the bathroom for the final trimming of the beard.  This is how I emerged on the other side:

I know everyone keeps telling me that I pull the bald look off pretty well, but come on, if that doesn’t say “douche wad” to you, nothing does.  And that’s all I could muster for a smile.  I really miss my hair.  Especially my facial hair!
As devastated as I was by my ailment of alopecia, I didn’t have time to wallow in it.  According to to my trusty Google Calendar, I was to be visited by two angels, Sabora  and Sandy!  Two of Anita and my good friends from up in the Poconos.  While we waited for them to arrive, the team in charge of the transplant---- OH WAIT ----  There’s an important story we’re missing.
So, a few days before this, I started to notice the underside of my feet started getting a really raw feeling and when I took a shower, they were kind of hurting afterward.  Fast forward to day +9 and my foot is swelling up faster than a fat kid in a cake factory. ---- Back to our story…  The team of doctors came to visit me and they’ve decided that my feet are officially swollen and would like some rheumatologists to take a look at my poor dogs as they were definitely barking.  This part of the story is going to get interesting later.
Finally, after a day full of bad and sad news, Sandy and Sabora arrive and they’ve brought with them a few surprises, namely James and Phil and Sabs’ little brother!  Even better still they were soon to be followed by Sarada.  Having them there was absolutely great  When Anita first told me that Sabs and Sandy were coming to visit, as excited as I was, I had assumed they were going to be in Philly and were just going to be polite and come through.  This was not to be the case.  Their entire purpose here was just to spend time with me and take my mind off of everything that was going on and BOY DID IT WORK.  I don’t get to spend much time with our Poconos friends so it was just great to sit around and act dumb (well, I wasn’t acting..  This is the real deal here, baby).  I couldn’t believe how long they stayed.  It made me so happy AND!  AND!  While they were here, Anita had made a bet that the exercise portion of the BMT manual states that if you’re HGB is <8, you need not attempt to ride the bike.  She said it didn’t and I, of course, KNEW that it stated as much.  So what now?  Well, one weekend in the distant future when I’ve regained a good portion of my strength, the lot of us are going to spend some time down in Ocean City, MD and Miss Anita is going to be purchasing James and I some delicious crab cakes.  She said she “doesn’t care” because at this point, it’s all “our money” and she’s still going to he able to have some delicious banana crepes (What happened to our wedding diets?!?!?!) to which I say, of all the things she will taste that weekend… The one thing that won’t approach those beautiful lip of hers is the sweet taste of victory.  And nothing tastes sweeter, Mmmm Mmmm mmmm..
Anyway, they stayed forever but finally did have to leave.  We took some pictures and they were off.  Anita and I spent the rest of the evening watching the movie Stone (well, she watched it while I nodded in and out… I was tuckered out after all that hot brown on brown action earlier).  I think with all the sleeping I’m doing, Anita and I are switching places!  Hahahahaha.
Alright, all, thanks for reading.  Today, instead of leaving you with a funny youtube video… I leave you with something infinitely better… PICTURES!!!!!!!

I was really crying.  What an embarassment.  Why was this picture taken??  (Again, that’s MOISTURIZER!)

Everyone setting up

Phil, being the gentleman he is, made sure he took the comfy chair.

There’s a picture of my pole

Here’s a picture of Phil commenting on my pole (Damn, you got a huge Pole, Paulash!)  (Yes.. I will always be 13 years old)

I’m trying to get my pole in the frame

Anita is stuck behind me so she tries to cop a feel…  That girl needs to calm down a bit.  Maybe have a crab cake or something.

James “the photographer” set this picture up.  I hope he told the laptop to smile!!

Now you KNOW James set this picture up.  He’s HUGE!

Finally a nice one, but why is Sarada trying to elbow me in the nuts?  Aren’t I going through enough?

A picture of me in pain.  Anita enjoyed taking this picture.

James:  “So, I like to rub the nuts together right by my chin!”

Oh Good, Zombies…. Now I won’t be able to sleep.

Anita can’t go ONE DAY w/o thinking about blood soaked vampires!


Finally, the attention right where it needs to be.

AHHHHHHH

I have so much to tell you, but I can’t because I’m in so much pain.  OUCH!!!!!

Day +7: I Don’t Want to be an Old Man Anymore, It’s Been a Year or Two Since I was out on the Floor

It’s a little bit of cheating because it’s just beyond 12:00, but I’m waiting on transport for a CT Scan and since I’m coherent, I figured I’d try and throw in a little something extra.

First, props to my mom.  My goodness..  She has been here day in and day out babying my like I don’t deserve at all.  Getting back to real life is going to be really difficult.  What she’s done for me is above and beyond what is called of a mother.

Second,  as my immune system has bottomed out, I was transfused with two units of red blood cells while my hemoglobin count was at 8.1.  I’ve NEVER had the pleasure of 2 bags of red blood cells and while I still feel down, the underlying energy is absolutely fantastic (hence another post).

This week coming up is going to be a week of many people visiting and I can’t wait.  Friends from NEPA and from the Jerz are coming by to say hello and shake their stuff for me (ahem Steve ahem).  Most importantly, I get to see Anita IN THE FLESH for the first time in a week.  It’s going to be so tough with the no skin contact…  But Just having her in the same room as me makes me so happy.

My big fear now (aside from all the other ones) is that I’m mere days away from when my hair should start falling out.  }o-(  I can’t repeat how much I love my hair and how much I’m going to miss it.  Hopefully it grows back thicker and more beautiful and before the wedding!!

Alright, I thiink that’s all the drivel I can muster for one post

But here's a great classic for all of you

PS – I forgot to mention what a fantastic job I did of Yankeeing out my hospital room.  From the huge fridge magnet, to the Jeter Fathead on the door, to the NYY flag in the window, to the stickers on the entrance…   I may be in enemy territory… But we are the motherfucking Yankees.  We eat away fields for breakfast!

Day +6: In My Life, I’ve Loved Them All

Sorry again for not being available for just about anything over the last few days.  I’ve been stuck in my own personal hell here.  I’ve had the energy to do absolutely nothing and that includes texting, Skyping, and whatever else.  I apologize to the many of you that have tried to contact me.  In the future, if I’m out of comission, ,you can always ask Anita about what’s going on.  While she’s been a  bit  shut out as well, she knows what’s up.

So, what have I been up to?  My immune system hit rock bottom today.  That means tomorrow I should be bouncing back.  Tomorrow, the donor cells should start to do their trick and in a weeks time, I should have a good amount of my strength back.  Of course until then, I will be stuck in this hell.

I know lots of you are planninng on visiting in the coming days, THANK YOU!!!  I need  you and I love you!!

Again, I have no funy video for you today.  I’m sorry!  Hope all is well!!

Day +3: Just Because I’m Losing, it Doesn’t Mean I’m Lost

The last few days have basically melted together.   We had a small environmental problem with the heating unit where it was like a sweatbox in here for a couple of days.

Now that the fervor of Skype and everything has kind of died down, a feeling of listlessness has taken over.  I’m thankful when I get to see Anita, my mom, and my other family, but when I’m alone in my room, it feels very lonely.  I don’t have the energy to really do anything.   Not even put on a movie or anything.  That also contributes to the no posting.  I apologize.

Other than that, I basically have nothing else going on.

The Infinite Support of Sumana Stephenson

You, know my sister and her family have been incredibly helpful throughout the four years of this nonsense.  They’ve spent countless hours and more money than I deserve on trying to keep me sane.  Hell, my sister bought be my PS3 for AND she bought me the PS3 Move a year later and neither of those are even related to my disease.  They've been with me at doctor’s appointments (even some that Craig really didn’t want to attend) and have held my hand through the most difficult times of my life.

For some odd reason, I keep coming back to a random memory from my childhood when I was about 13 and my sister was 21 and in college.  I was supposed to go to a party and I wanted to take pictures there (back when cameras needed film).  You see, I wasn’t a very popular kid in high school.  Hell, I was never popular period.  I always took pictures to remind myself that I was at places and I did things.  Sure it sounds pathetic… But then again, I am a little pathetic.  But you know what else?  I’ve got amazing friends, a ridiculously hot fiancé, and a great family.  So maybe pathetic worked out pretty well.

But I digress.  So, I asked my mom to take me to the Shop Rite across the way and buy some film for my camera.  When the three of us got there, I waited in the car and specifically asked for the 24 frame film.  Anything less would be absolutely useless right?  Who takes 12 pictures?  I can take 12 pictures in ten minutes right now, right? 

Anyway, when they returned, my mom had bought the film with only 12 frames and it was tantrum time.  I was crying on the floor of the kitchen with my mom and sister trying to explain to us our financial situation and I just wouldn’t hear it.  All of my friends were so well off, I just couldn’t fathom that we had money problems.  And that wasn’t the point.  Almost everything I wanted I got.  Everyone always pulled together for me. 

At one point or another, my sister turned to me and asked, “Is there anything that you’ve asked for that I never got you?” and I straightened up on the floor and exclaimed, almost with pride, “You never bought me a pair of shoes when I stayed with you at your dorm.”  My sister exploded into tears, threw the 24 frame film that she herself had bought be because she wanted me to have it and stomped off.

I don’t know why I said it.  I already had a new pair of sneakers, I think I just wanted to win the fight, no matter the cost.  I come back to the memory time and time again and wish I could change it but I can’t.

My sister and I grew up always in some sort of quiet rivalry and she always seemed to get the better of me.  Maybe it was my way of winning a bit.  No matter what, even at that young age, I should’ve recognized how much everyone always pulled together for me.

It took another maybe 15 years for my sister to stop our tacit rivalry and really REALLY become a family.  I used to be so afraid when she would call or when she would come over because I knew it would be time to talk about what a terrible human being I am.  But now, since I guess I grew my ass up a little (even if a little later than everyone else), I’ve started to earn at least a little of the respect and love that I’ve been receiving my entire life. 

As things are now, I come and go from my sister’s house whenever I please.  I run around with her two beautiful children until I’m too tired to keep up (which is usually about 5 minutes).  Her husband and I enjoy both political and sports banter.  Things could not be better and I wouldn’t have them any other way.  But there’s always that little boy inside me that is so sorry for the thing I said that day all those years ago and hope to make it up to her some day.

Day 0: Welcome to your life–There’s no Turning Back

I made it through it.  That’s all I can say.  Now All I have left to to is rebuild my entire immune system and then re enter society.  Easy peezy, japanezy, right?

he morning was filled with another bout of radiation.  It was exhausting as usual.  Lucky for me, my mom was there for me and relieved much of my anxiety.  Having my family around has really helped.

I came back to the room and was taken yet again at about 1:30 for one LAST bout of radiation.  Lucky for me, it was so close to the first one, I basically slept through the entire thing.  Hahaha  ZzzZZzZZZZzz

I came back upstairs and FINALLY, my Anita is there along with my sister (and still my mom).  It took a  lot for me to keep from crying because while we Skype, it’s just not the same as being able to see her in person (jn her shnazzy new glassed!!)

At about 5:00, they started the transfusion of stems cells and they took.  All we have no is a waiting game to see if they graph and to eventually be cured.

 

I guess I will have to figure out a different way to get out of work all winter!!  Hahahaha

}o-)

This is the best reception rocked EBHAR!!

Day–2 You should know I bleed blue, but I’m not a crip though

I can’t even tell you the difficulty I had on day –2, so I’m not going to dwell on it.   Let’s just say that when they were putting the ports in my chest and in my left arm, I had real actual thought of escaping and running away.  Had the nurse not buckled me down on the table, who knows what would’ve happened.

I’ve always prided myself on remaining even keeled in stressful situations (baseball games aside), but I guess when you’re in a situation like this, all normal rules go right out the window.

So, just to recap yesterday, I had the ports put in my chest and my last dose of major chemo.  I had still not slept at all to this point and was cranky and just unpleasant in general.

So that brings us today.  Again, the previous night was filled with endless tossing and turning.  If I got 2 hours of sleep, that would’ve been a lot.  So what happened at 6:00am this morning?  I was dragged off for my first dose of radiation.

Through three three skybridges on an uncomfortable stretcher and back to the bowels of the Perelman Center where this all started.  My mom was placed in a waiting room and was taking to this huge chamber with something that looked like a huge space aged boiler in it.  I was asked if I had my own music or if I wanted to listen to the communal IPOD.  Of course, I have all apple products, but since I didn’t have my phone with me, I figured it a necessary evil.  I was then placed in fetal position, the music came on and then a loud buzzing started.  I didn’t really feel anything but a slight warmth, but I was in mental agony as the ipod mix seemed to loop between Lady GaGa songs and Cyndi Lauper.  I honestly don’t know what was worse, the radiation or the music.

About half and hour later I was done.  Between the gross fatigue, the proton therapy, and the shitty music, I was both tired, miserable and mostly incoherent.  I don’t think I had ever felt a bought of nausea that was that bad.  I held it, though as we were being escorted back to my room.

When we got there, the nurse informed us that I was to lay in the family lounge as the scrub my room from top to bottom.  In a few hours, I would be in full isolation.  Lockdown.  Solitary confinement.  Room 7014 would be my prison for the next 4-6 weeks.

As soon as I got to the lounge, I couldn’t hold it anymore.  I yacked like I haven’t yacked since I first started drinking alcohol.  It was an unpleasant mixture of unidentifiable food byproducts, bile, and god knows what else.  It was terrible and the taste lingered in my mouth forever.  And as has become customary, I passed out immediately afterward.

I slept and slept and slept until it was time again to go for radiation at 6:00pm.  This time I was armed with my Incredible.  The 2nd time around was not as bad, with my music playing and with me falling in and out of sleep, it was nice.

I can back to the room, sans terrible nausea (yay!) and was awaited by my wonderful sister, mother, and two family friends (well, Chumki Mashi I guess is more of an acquaintance).  We got everything in the room situated (including me) and I guess this is the go.  We are T –2 days to the transplant and all systems are go.

Here goes nothing.

 

 

And as always, if this talk of vomiting and general whining has brought you down… Here’s a little pick me up courtesy of my man Steve (I Apologize for it being sideways)

Day–4: You’re Barely Waking and I’m Tangled in You

The morning was difficult.  Sleeping in that cold, uncomfortable hospital bed all alone with no one is hard enough.  What I did instead was just toss and turn all night with my brain going haywire.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt this anxious in my entire life.  On and off, I think I got maybe 2 hours of sleep.

7 AM rolls around and there are two transports actually fighting over me.  Myself, I was rooting for the X-Ray lady but unfortunately, the IR transport person won.  I knew what that meant.  It was time to put in my ports.  The pic line and the hickman line.  My anxiety reached a fever pitch.

We got down to the procedure area, the doctor came out and I signed the consent forms and one of the nurses strapped my arm down straight out so that they can PIC line in.  I shit you not, I actually started fantasizing about trying to escape and getting out of there.  I’ve never had a panic attack before, but this was definitely as close to one as I have ever gotten.  Luckily they pumped me full of some anti anxiety meds and a sedative and I was out. 

Unfotunately, I woke up just as they placed the last part of the hickman line in my chest as they buried it.  Needless to say, it didn’t tickle.  Thankfully I’m whisked back to my room pretty expediently.  As wonderful as the people are in nthis hospital, it seems like you have to wait forever for EVERYTHING here, but I guess I got lucky.

I get back to my room and lucky for me, my mom was already there.  Unfortunately for my mom, I was miserable and couldn’t sleep.  I basically took little naps for the majority of the day until it was time for the big one.  The point of no return.  That whole shabang.  Everything that had been done to this point could be reversed, but now the nurse brought it what looked like to be a 300 lb bag of liquid chemo therapy to be hung from my pole (tehe.. Hung from my pole).  Once that starts, there’s no turning back.  Cells will be destroyed and I will never be the same on a molecular level.  So here goes nothing…

…  And funny enough it felt  a lot like nothing.  It was that huge bag of chemo and then several other bags of complementary drugs to manage side effects and what not , but afterwards aside from the fatigue, I really didn’t feel any averse affects.  I guess I was lucky.  The nurse did tell me that some people don’t feel anything until the 2nd day of chemo starts.

Later that evening, my sister came by and brought with her something that will insure that I will love her forever…  KFC.  Oh man, I scarfed that down like it was my last meal.  The Colonel was quite the life saver.  I was willing to enlist in his army after that.

Some more time past and at about 5:30, my friend Sue had come to visit.  I have not seen Sue in a very long time and while I would’ve rather had them under other circumstances, I was glad to be seeing her.  We spent a few hours hanging out, catching up, coloring, and watching Star Trek: The Next Generation (don’t dudge me!).

After she left, I cleaned up my night on various Skype dates and finally trying to go to sleep.

 

Here’s something less morbid

Day –5: So You Lost Your Trust and You Never Should Have… You Never Should Have

 

Day –6 (Saturday 2/6/11) was an open invite to the people in my life to spend some time with me and give me one last gasp of normalcy before I’m committed to the clink for the next several weeks.  The outpouring of goodwill from people was absolutely amazing!  I was a little nervous at first since the invitation extended from 9:00am and no one had showed up around 11:00.  I was getting a little sad when my phone rang with a specific ringtone.  Why was my phone playing Don’t Stop Believin?  It was my boss calling!  I couldn’t believe it.  Brian had drove all the way up from wherever his mansion is in south central Jersey and came to slum with us plebeians to see his loyal servant off.  I can’t tell you how great that felt.  How many people have a boss that drive that far just to spend some time with an employee that hasn’t been to work in 2 months?!?

For then on it was wave after wave of friends that came in to spend time.  Some family friends showed up.  It was absolutely fantastic.  The best part?  It felt normal.  When my friends Dirty and Mike (who came with his wonderful mother) show up, we sat around and BSed just like we did at work.  Nobody bothered to ask too many questions about the procedure happening on Day 0, they were too busy thinking about who’s going to win the Super Bowl and whether or not Ronnie and Sammy were REALLY going to break up this time (Anita thinks they’re done…. What a fool). 

While we were discussing the intellectual merits of GTL, my sister showed up with her kids and then the real fun started.  Between teasing Ella and chasing Cameron, I felt so good (and so tired) by 4.  But the kids weren’t even the best part.  Not by a long shot.  As most of you know, my choice of food is going to be severely restricted so my sister/BIL were kind enough to bring these most delicious crab cakes in so that we could share them for dinner.  The kids were wonderfully exhausting and the crab cakes were sensational.

As if that wasn’t enough, around eight and nine respectively, The Georges and the Figurellis showed up and this was the breath of normalcy that I needed.  Since we’d already been through the melodrama of explaining everything going on and we just got to hang out.  It was just sitting around bullshitting and it was everything I wanted it to be.  By the end of the night, we just watched TV and hung out.  Nothing grand.  Just a set of friends hanging out.  It was exactly what I needed.

Some of our family friends came over as well and it was good.  The whole day was perfect.  Filled with friends, family, and great food.  The day was more than I could’ve asked for.

PS – I got the best gift from Chrissy!  But unfortunately you can’t know what it is unless you come and visit me here at the hospital!  }o-)

---

Day –5 (2/6/11) aka Super Bowl Sunday was filled with some good old clean family fun and hectic-ness.  I was woken up in the morning with some delicious McDonald’s breakfast while Anita was woken up by two children jumping on top of her.  We spent the next few hours finishing packing.  I kept myself busy picking out DVDs to take with me.

I was called by the hospital at around 11:00 to confirm that I was going through with the admission to the hospital that evening.  I asked what time it would be and she said that the Rhoads Pavilion was expecting my bed to be ready by 8:00.  They were really expecting me to miss the Super Bowl to check into the hospital.  It’s like they don’t’ know me at all.

We went down to my sister’s house so that we could be close by when we got the call.  We were all watching the Super Bowl/getting everything ready when my phone rings and of course… my bed is ready @ 7:00.  I turned around immediately and asked her if I can get there between 9:30 and 10:00.  Of course, we get there @ 10:30 after we stopped by at McDonald’ s for my last double cheeseburger for many months.  We whizzed up to the Rhoads Pavilion and boom. 

Our Journey begins.