Take it easy, Tiger

So, I've been wondering for a really long time as to why I know longer derive as much  joy as I used to when I was younger. And I think I just found out why.

I'm sitting on a train headed towards Newark to watch the Devils play the Blues and to pass the time, I was reading an ebook I had gotten for my wife. It is the Mindy Kaling book and after reading a few pages, I finally realized my problem. I have been taking myself way too fucking seriously. Holy shit! Ever since I got sick, I've been so lost in my own head and trying to make every word count, I forgot that not everything has to be some huge revelation or some catharsis for some crime committed against me from 20 years ago. I can't believe I've been so stuck up that I don't think mundane topics are worth blogging about. Who the hell am I? No one cares that I write here and my only audience really is my wife and a couple of friends. Take it easy, Paulash. You are not and have never been this serious.

Anonymous Letters

I guess it's time that I let out a little passive-aggression.  Before I start, I just want to say that this is the first post that I'm using my new Bluetooth keyboard and tablet with and that ain't bad!

1.  Every day I worry that we are going to drift apart.  You've been such a huge part of my life that I don't know what I'd do without you.  I know that my fears are essentially baseless and that every time we see each other, I'm reassured of our mutual affection, but I don't get to see you.  There's power in that.  Your face is is something that is etched in my heart and the less I get to see it, the more my heart yearns for it.  I know that emoting isn't exactly your favorite thing in the world, but it's true.  As life slows down for both of us, I hope we don't leave each other behind.

2.  You know, this is my second time writing these anonymous letters and both times, it's really just to say things to you.  You are the reason I'm doing this nonsense in the first place.  The last draft, which I threw away, the words I wrote to you were very angry and visceral.  I think for a little bit I hated you.  Of course I've come to my senses.  I would never be able to hold a grudge against you.  Why?  Because I love you.  I have loved you for a long time.  I've loved you almost since we met.  I don't know why you have singled me out for this punishment, but I promise you that you've won.  I give up and please stop.  If you're treating me this way intentionally, you should know that you are leaving a scar on my very soul because you cut right through me and that's how much I love you.  All I asked of you is to be my friend.  That's all I wanted.  I would walk through a fire for you and you can't tell me happy birthday.  Please stop, please tell me what I did wrong, please let me explain.  I miss you.

3.  And you.  Oh you.  I don't know.  I just never thought I'd get this opportunity.  I never thought I'd get a chance to prove myself to you.  Of course, I would prefer not to be in this specific situation, but since we're in the shit right now, I hope you know that I'm behind you 100%.  Whether I think you're right, wrong, up, or down, I'll follow you into the dark.  I know you're not exactly used to it, but I promise you that you can lean on me as much as you need to and I will prop you up to the best of my ability.  When I was going through my shit almost a decade ago, it was YOU that called that meeting at the diner and asked how you could help and it took ten years, but here I am at your disposal.  I hope that you understand that and maybe let me in a little bit. It doesn't always seem like it, but be assured that our circle is tighter and stronger than it's ever been and if you have trouble or are burdened, trust me and us to help in any way we can.  We're not here just for the good times, we're here for bad and the ugly.  It's not our prerogative, it's our duty and we're happy to do it.

4.  Just fuck you, OK?  Seriously.  I'm so so glad that you are where you are just so we can transition you out of our lives.  You got your position so close and you just wasted it being so selfish.  Contrary to popular belief, the universe does NOT revolve around you and sometimes, you've gotta give a little in a friendship.  But what would you know of that?  I don't know what in this world made you so damn selfish and so inconsiderate to people that are so so SO loyal to you, but it's disgusting.  The sooner we phase you out, the better we are.  We've already got a candidate to fill your shoes and that person has been doing fantastic and actually deserves our loyalty.  The less we get to see of you, the better.  I'm hoping one day you're nothing but a holiday card.

5.  You're my sanity right now.  I don't talk to you enough.  I don't see you enough.  I don't get enough one on one time.  Nothing.  But the time we do spend talking or spending time with each other is rejuvenating.  I'm glad that we have a relationship that allows us to sit down and really talk.  Yeah, when the lights are shining bright, we're the performers, but I'm glad that we can do it when the stage is closed as well.  When you were here last and we were able to sit and talk, I swear it felt like I took a brick off my shoulder.  I know that we're both dealing with some unpleasant situations right now and I'm glad that we can cut through the fog, sit down, and really discuss things with each other.  You are as close to Tom Hagan as anyone in my life.

6.  You're the battery that recharges my soul.  I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am that you've been allotting so much of your free time to spend with me.  I know that you have very adult responsibilities and I understand that your free time is so precious but that's what makes me as grateful as I am.  When you and I are together doing what we do, I'm telling you, it feels like I'm living my dream.  I wish we could do more of it and have it be more serious, but even still, what we accomplish together is absolute ambrosia for my soul and I thank you.  I know that you don't always get the loudest kudos, but you and everything you bring is an absolute pillar of my life.  I hope that as my health improves, I can travel more and we can maybe take our project to the next level, maybe.  Then I would really be able to say that you helped make my dreams come true. 

7.  I feel like sometimes you get lost in my life.  Most people's lives have a pyramid of friendship where their lesser acquaintances are in great number and their closer friends are less numerous with it ultimately culminating at the top with one best friend.  By virtue of some odd stroke of luck, my life seems to be the reciprocal.  The space at the top of the pyramid is crowded with people that I would walk through a fire for because I know they'd do the same for me.  I don't know if I make it as abundantly clear as I should as to your position on this upside down pyramid.  I assure you, you occupy the absolute top tier.  I just feel like because I have so many people I hold so dear, you might not get your time in the sun.  The truth of the matter is, out of all the people in my life, I find you to be the most inspiring.  When I feel as though the walls are caving in around me, I'm always reminded of the strength and humanity you have in dealing with your own difficult situations.  You are the kind of person that books should be written about.  You're not just a great friend, you're kind of my hero.  And not just because we mix our pudding together.

8.  I really don't know how you sleep at night.  Honestly.  Most of all, I feel betrayed.  I feel betrayed of all the things that were instilled in me as a child.  All the things I thought you shared with me.  You have revealed yourself to be little more than a charlatan.  It's all an act that you put on.  I knew that you pretended to be a better person in the presence of others, but I didn't think you practiced such deception with me.  With everyone.  We were supposed to stick together no matter what.  Put our heads together in times of crisis.  That's not you, anymore.  You are always looking at the clock.  Always looking for when you've put in what you think is a days work and when you can check out and get back to what you want to do.  Sometimes, the situation requires more of you.  Sometimes the shit hits the fan and you need to put in overtime.  That's what love is.  And that's what I thought you taught me.  Of everything, I think the worst thing you did was pit me against someone who should have been close to me my whole life.  For as long as I can remember, you played us against each other so that you could always be the shining star.  The hero.  Well guess what?  We both got a peek behind the curtain and we know that you're not the real wizard.  If you feel powerless now with us, it's because we are united.  We have the relationship that we should have had right from the start, despite you trying to insure otherwise.  I struggle every day with the fact that the less I see you, the better off we are.  That's not because we don't want you around, but it's because we can't live in your world anymore.  Your world isn't real and it never was.  When you recognize reality, then you are welcome to join us.  Until then, get used to arm's length.

9.   Uhm.  Wow.  Talk about a roller coaster.  I've been called dramatic and over emotional, but you take the cake.  I get that you have your own issues, but much of your problems are really just you looking for attention.  Not only that, but you're setting records for selfishness.  I have yet to meet someone your age that has so little regard for anyone.  I don't think I've EVER met someone so concerned with controlling the story.  I hope you get it soon.  I hope you learn that everyone around you can't constantly be the pawns in your delusion.  We have to contend with the real world and don't always have the time to fight your fantasies.

Here we go again.

So, I've qualified for a semi-experimental procedure to help mitigate some of the symptoms of GVHD.  It's called Photoforessis and my first appointment is tomorrow @ 7:00am.  I can't express to you how nervous I feel.  I'm not nervous so much as to the particulars of the procedure itself, I am worried about it not working.  I'm just tired of going through procedures and coming out on the other side feeling like this.  You know?

I figured I would let some random grumblings get out into the world before I start this journey to being ACTUALLY better and returning to being at least a (somewhat) productive member of society, a better friend, finally attempt to be a husband deserving of someone like Anita.  Oh, I hope so.

First...  So, I've become extremely reclusive.  Did you ever think in a trillian years that you would associate THAT word with me?  Recluse?  Paulash?  Really?  I'm supposed to be the anti-recluse.  The recluse's worst nightmare (ahem, Mike).  Well, a few weeks ago, my doctor recommended that what might help me feel better emotionally would just be to go out and spend some time with people that I know and care about.  It was supposed to help 2 fold; one I would gain some stamina outside of the house and two, I would feel better emotionally being surrounded by my compadres. 

Out of the 10 engagents that I had planned with my friends, I canceled 8 of them.  When I was sitting and discussing this with my friend this afternoon, I couldn't believe that number. When have I ever been known to cancel on 80% of my plans?  Have I ever had a stretch like this?  Ever?  Lucky for me that these people have been around for as long as they have or else they'd flake out on me and my life as I've been flaking out on them.  The one time I DID go out with a bunch of my guy friends I got so sick afterwards, I could barely get out of bed for the following 3 days.  Great advice, Doc.  Hopefully, this blood irridation will be the beginning of the end of all this.  I still can't believe I canceled on those people.

A lot of premieres for shows for the spring season set off these past couple of weeks.  I don't recall any one of them disappointing.  Don Draper's wife singing that song to him at his birthday will be in my dreams for WEEKS to come.  And Game of Thrones... Oh might Gameof Thrones.  If you're not lining up behind Rob Stark at this point, you are on the losing side of this war.   Right now there are a lot of stories going on and they are alla kind of scattered so I'm a little afraid of how they're going to tie them all in together, but at the same time, I have faith in HBO to absolutely amaze me in ways I didn't know existed.

I put a decal on our car.  It's for the Jedi Order.  It means I'm officially a jedi, right?  Jedi's can drive Hondas.  Sure they can.  I'm a Honda driving Jedi.  Hello world.

We recently had a breakdown on our main desktop.  Thank Tebow for backups.  I hope you people out there in Windowland are backing up your data diligintantly.  It should be a crime not to!

I'm so excited for baseball season this year.  I don't know why.  I think that I haven't been able to properly enjoy a baseball game (at the park) in a number of years, and this year I am absolutely DETERMINED to call in some markers from friends that said they'd pay for me to go see a Yankee game for one reason or another.  Don't think I didn't take note of what you said... And I plan to hold you to it!!  I even have Anita excited at the prospect of tailgating before a game.  How this all of a sudden changed for her is beyond me and I'm not going to push it and change her mind!!  While I'm cautiously optimistic about the offense (enough to draft ARod in my fantasy league) and have confidence in the pitching, I'm looking for a good season and going deep into the playoffs.  But I guess, that's nothing special for us at Yankee Nation.

So let's pivot to this election!!  Thank you Republicans for COMPLETELY having this contraception bomb blow up in your face and having anything with a vagina and their own thoughts opposing the Republican Social Agenda.  I have never seen poll number dip this fast.  Women are leaving Romney faster than Newt leave sick wives.  I keed.  I keed.

From what I hear about these first two treatments tomorrow and Wednesday is that I shouldn't be waiting on a miracle.  This is a long and arduous process and I might not feel the intended effects of the procedure for a few weeks.  It's going to be difficult tempering my enthusiasm mainly because I want out of this funk NOW.  I want to just get a glimpse of who I used to be.  Really.  I hope that's not too much to ask.

Is anyone paying attention to the NBA?  Me neither.  I'll just wait until the 2nd round of the playoffs and start enjoying it from that point on like every other American.

I broke our main desktop computer.  Seriously.  I did.  I feel so stupid when I do something like that.  I mean, computer maintenance should CLEARLY be in my wheelhouse yet... Here we are.  The silver lining is it gave me an excuse to finally split the video feed so that we can watch the videos on the TV while also keeping it connected to the monitor.  It's the low-tech solution to the problem, but that's my favorite way to do things.

My mom bought herself an Amazon Kindle Fire.  Oh boy.  Her interactions with this device could spawn their own blog.

So, it's the next morning now and my mother and I are in the Perelman Center about 1/2 hour early for my appointment.  I made the mistake of bringing her new Kindle Fire with me.  Man was I right.  She just asked me where the mouse was.  I can't make that up.  I don't know why she wanted it, but it was on sale and she can certainly have whatever she wants.

Where was I from last night?  I should ignore my ramblings and just take pictures of my mom trying to get used to the user interface on the the Kindle Fire...  It's amazing.  Of course, I can't do that or else I think my mom would slap me across for the first time in 12 or 13 years.

OK.  So it's been about 10 minutes and...  I don't mean to alarm anyone..  But she's figuring it out.  Yeah.  She's getting around on the interface and is now surfing the web.  Obviously, the apocalypse is upon us.  I hope you're wearing clean underwear.

A lot of people think that I'm afraid for this procedure today.  I'm not.  Sure, the idea of someone slowly removing the blood from my system and then replacing it doesn't exactly sound appetizing, but I've been through much MUCH worse.  What I'm most anxious about is it working.  That's all I want.  I understand it will take a while and that this is just the beginning...  But if this doesn't work... THEN WHAT?

The doctors are starting to file in, I should get ready to go.  I haven't eaten anything since last night as per doctor's orders so I'm a little bit miserable.  There's also REALLY loud construction going on outside that is REALLY REALLY annoying.  Hopefully my room will be a little bit quieter and more conducive to some Netflixing.

See you on the other side, Ray.

Late Night Ramblings

“When everyone else goes home, you’re stuck with yourself” – Layne Staley

 

You know, I’m not as big into the grunge/depressed music scene (though I still appreciate it), but Alice in Chains will have always played a deep roll in who I am, for better or for worse.

The doctor is encouraged by my progress after my bone marrow transplant, but the after effects are absolutely horrifying.  On Thursday, it was decided that I need a week off from work just to regain my strength.  I’m hoping that I get the rest that I need, but this insomnia thing isn’t exactly helping.

For some reason, Cinemax keeps showing Robocop and I’m totally OK with that.

One of the shortcomings that I have now is extreme fatigue.  It’s costing my footing at my job and time with the ones that I love.  Recently, I missed the Christening of one of BEST FRIEND’S son.  The day of the Christening, I woke up at 3:00 in the afternoon.  It wasn’t fair and I’ll never get that back.  She and her husband (also a great friend now) will be in my life for the rest of my life and I feel like it will always be a stain on our relationship.

Have you SEEN the pictures from my wedding?  Can you imagine a more beautiful bride?  People that know me (and know what I look/act like) see a picture of my wife for the first time and their first reaction is always something to the tone of, “How the eff did you pull that off?”  My response is and always will be, “I have no idea and I don’t deserve her.”

Is anyone else rooting for Newt as much as I am?  I mean, it’s not everyday you get a family values candidate on his 3rd wife.  I’m a little concerned that if he should win the presidency, with the economy ailing the way it is, he’d be inclined to leave it for a younger, more healthy economy.

So, after about 5 consecutive years of just absolute mismanagement by the Dolphins culminating in them courting a head coach while still actually having a head coach of their own,two of the biggest Giants fans I know encouraged me to return to the team of my youth, the NY Giants.  I’ve been a Giants fan all season and let me tell you, this is by far the best football season of me life.  THANK YOU!

There are times when I miss some of the other livejournal/internet friends that I had back in the heyday of blogging and whatnot, but I would not be willing to trade any of them for the ones that made the leap to ACTUAL friends.

Seriously, Robocop is amazing.  DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU’RE COMING WITH ME!

One of my better friends had laser eye therapy treatment surgery so now he doesn’t need glasses.  Is it wrong for me to buy him a pair of fakes glasses so I’m more comfortable looking at a familiar face that I’ve seen on and off since I was in 2nd grade?

My best friend as a child was just on Jeopardy.  He won something like 8 games in a row and 200K+ thousand dollars.  His mom taught me how to dive in his pool when I was a boy.  This story has been told 29803984230984 times over the 2 weeks Jason Keller was on Jeopardy.  To the same 4 or 5 people.  There are about 4 or 5 more people that hate me now.

I’m getting a little sick of the storylines on Glee, but I will always love what it represents.  Inclusion.  For everyone.  Oh, and I loooove the songs.

I try to pretend that I’m some sort of moderate progressive, but if you look at my twitter feed, it’s fairly apparent that I’m a huge liberal douche.  And a huge sports fans.  I guess both are true.

I’m serious, you need to go to my Picasa page and look at 9/17/2011 and the pictures of my wife.  I’ll wait…. …. …. ….  WHAT IS THAT BEAUTIFUL WOMAN DOING WITH ME?!?!  My face is like 8 different colors since my BMT!  I’ve even grown a beard to hide some of the disgusting.

Robocop is now over.  Sadness begins.

Some Ben Stiller movie is on.  If I knew where the remote was, I’d change the channel to SportsCenter and watch more highlights of the NFC Championship game!

One of my friends from work is leaving and moving to Texas.  Huge blow.  It took me by surprise.  I thought my core group of friends at work would be together for years to come.

One of the main selling points of us moving into this apartment was that we thought we would be only 20 minutes away from two of my best friends.  Turns out, we’re only about 12 minutes away.  They’ve already saved my life once.

As liberal a douche I am and as obvious as my vote is going to be in November, I’m not super pleased with our President.  He’s watered down many of the promises he made 3 years ago and a good number of the people in ranking positions in the administration had A LOT to do with everything wrong with the financial system.  Maybe Tim Geitner and Larry Summers aren’t the right people to reign in the banks?  That would be my first thought.

I haven’t actively been involved in fantasy sports for a few years due to illness/marriage.  I’m really hoping to dive back in and make a difference.  Obviously, that’s not going to happen.

Too early for flapjacks?

I think Coming to America is my favorite comedy of all time, but my favorite actor in comedies is and always will be Bill Murray.  Your favorite actor should be Bill Murray, too. 

I’m about 2 weeks away from the 1 year anniversary (my Onocologist refers to it as my new birthday) of my bone marrow transplant.  I wonder if we’re going to do anything to acknowledge it.  I can’t believe it’s been an entire year since this process starts but at the same time, it’s been one hell of a year.

I’ve never been closer to my sister in any period of my life than I am now. I think much of that can be attributed to my illness and the fact that everyone loves my wife and that always gives me a bump.  Either way, I’ll take it.  Nothing is more important than family.

People who take karaoke very seriously and don’t embrace it for the glorious public self-ass-making that it is are just full of themselves and need to lighten.

With the meds I’m taking combined with my general lack of motion, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been.  By far.  I’m hoping that I fix that this year.

My brain is ceasing to function, I better wrap this up.  Good night.

Have I become too connected?

I've always fancied myself a pretty technologically progressive individual, but with my recent purchase of the Blackberry Storm as an engagement present to myself, have I crossed a line? Is it possible to be TOO connected? I've found myself caught between two lives; my e-life and my real life. You would think that it would be my e-life interrupting my actual life, but recently, it kind of seems the opposite is true. Is it OK when your socializing happens more on the internet than it does in real life?
For the past few days, I've been basically confined to a bed in a hospital with some ailments. What have I been doing to keep entertained? I've been plastering my life on Twitter which has been cross posting my life on facebook and the madness has followed. I've been sending text message updates to my closest friends and BlackBerry messengering my friends lucky enough to have BlackBerries.
I started questioning a possibly oversaturated e-life when one of my closest friends called me because he read about my problems through facebook. I thought to myself, "Isn't this wrong? I've been like brothers with the guy for more than 10 years and he has to learn about my hospitalization through facebook? Isn't there something wrong there? Shouldn't he have at least learned through word of mouth from another friend from our circle?" I felt bad enough that I called another very good friend of mine and made sure he heard what was happening from me.
I also find myself at times absolutely disconnected from my real life and aggravating. Anita will be talking to me and probably feels ignored because I'm not paying full attention to what she's saying because I'm in the middle of checking my friend feed or tweeting something really clever. Isn't this wrong? This girl is the love of my life and she's playing second seat to my presented life on the internet? Isn't that just a LITTLE bit insane?
While incarcerated here in my hotel room of tubes, wires, and injections, I've had TONS of people come and visit me. What have most of them had to deal with? Me, explaining to people what's going through various mediums available on my phone. Is this not awful? I feel awful. They took time out of their lives to haul themselves over here and had to deal with me typing away on my phone? It feels rude.
The question is... Now that I've entered into this uber-techno-savvy life... How do I turn around? How do I increase the level of my life in... Well... My life. When my phone gives off one of its familiar alerts, I find myself excited to see who has interacted with me and what they have to say and how I'm going to respond. How do I bring that sensation back to my real life? Should I have people make strange sounds before interacting with me? Will that catch my attention? I feel like asking these questions makes me sound absolutely insane. Am I really debating the need to disconnect? Am I whining because I'm addicted to my new toy???
This is ridiculous. I'm not too connected. I've just been a little extra e-ish with my life because I've been reporting the latest medical disaster in my life. Once this whole ordeal is over, I should be fine. I'm just bored and needed a reason to fill the time.



PS - Tweet #wilbur We're trying to make it a trending topic. It's what we've named my enlarged spleen!

I'm finally writing about my birthday.

My birthday was awesome. At work( since I was taking a half day), I got a "birthday cake" made out of donuts. I ate them. Everyone sang happy birthday to me, but it was a little awkward. For some strange reason, when it came time to say my name in the song, there was this split second pause for everyone. It wasn't a big deal, but I just can't figure out how it happened or why it happened and how was it EVERYONE that paused. Strange. Whatever, I got to leave 1/2 way through the day.

I came home to be met by Phil (who forgot it was my birthday... But would make up for it later... Keep reading) and waited for my mom. What did I do while I waited? What else but good ol' PS3. I seem to have almost given up on MLB 08 the Show because of its horrendous gameplay and have almost exclusively playing Madden (as was probably going to happen anyway). I find Madden '09 to be the most flawed version of the game I've played in a while.... But whatever, it's Madden and I'm in. My biggest complaint is that the controls and movement of players is much more awkward than it has been in Maddens past. Again... Whatever.. It's Madden... Let's play.

My mom showed up (which clued Phil in that it was my birthday... hahaha) and we watched a little TV to let her settle in and then her and I headed out. She went shopping at Target and various other stores and I tagged along. I was happy just to be hanging out with my mom.

Fast forward. James, Phil, Anita, my mother, and I watch Slumdog Millionaire. This is an absolutely fantastic movie and it deserves all the accolades it receives. After the movie, we cut the 2 cakes I got. 1 standard pillsbury box cake my mom made me which was delicious and 1 incredibly phenomonal banana cake with cream cheese frosting that Anita made me from scratch. I only have three words to describe it. Dee. Lish. Us. I wish I could eat it right now. Yum yum and then some. Anyway, I probably ate about 12 servings of that cake. Oh! I forgot the best part (and Phil's redemption)! After I cut the cake, he absolutely smeared frosting all over my face. He got me when I haven't been able to be gotten in YEARS. YEARS, I'm telling you. I just wasn't expecting it. Kudos to him. I'm usually ready for it.

We lazed around and watched some more TV before deciding to have something light to eat. We head over to the Friendly's that opened up right behind our house and eat. That was pretty much it. Much more sedate than years past, but still extremely awesometastic.