You Can See The Sun Shining if You Really Want to

Any that's spent 5 minutes reading my blog knows that over the last several years, me living out that year wasn't always as certain as it should be relative to someone my age.  I've only had close encounters with the possibly of not seeing the sun rise the next day maybe about 4 times, but other than that, my basic survival was in question for the last 3 years because of my failing health.  What have all these brushes with death taught me?  They've taught me the importance of regret.  They've taught me the importance of love.  Most importantly, I've learned that there are only a certain number of things in life that I can actively control.  Sometimes a shitty situation is a shitty situation and you've gotta take it for what it's worth.  Sometimes, you've gotta concede defeat in order to continue the war.
Lately, I'm having difficulty telling who the good guys are.  I guess war is a bad analogy when trying to describe your life, but if nothing else, I've been battling, trying to get up the hill, and back to myself.  Of course, I would have absolutely zero chance if not for my incredible (perceived) support system.  For the past few days, I think my neuroses when it comes to the people around me has been getting the best of me.  I think it might be a product of the fact that in one way or another, I don't remember really being alone for any extended period of time for the last 5 years.  I've always had someone around or at least close by because of the seriousness of my health. Unfortunately , it seems as my physical health improves, I might be exposing my frayed mental health.
This all started when Anita left a week ago to visit her about-to-pop pregnant sister.  In the weeks leading up to her flight, I joked around with her that she's clearly making a terrible decision and who knows if I could survive by myself.  I'm beginning to think those jokes were really some sort of panic attack by my subconscious.  What's troubling of that I haven't even been ALONE for any extended period of time, yet.  Really, since she left a week ago, I think I've maybe spent about 30 hours or so by myself.  Thanks to a few of my better friends and my nephew's birthday, I've been spending most of my hours with other people occupying my mind.  Tonight marks the first night that I will be in a stretch of a week by myself and if tonight is any indication....  Uh oh.
I don't really know what's wrong with my head.  I don't recall ever being this neurotic.  I'm actually complaining about the sincerity of the people in my life while also writing (typing?!) that in the 2 weeks that my wife is scheduled to be away, I've had or have scheduled things to do with other people on every day but 4.  You would think a 33 year old man could survive 4 days alone, right?  Only 2 of those days are consecutive!  Pull it together, man!
So what I'm trying to say I know I'm crazy, but am I?  I've always been adept at reading people and assessing the situation, so either what's going on here is that my recovery has somehow caused a short-circuit in that ability OR there is an actual issue with the people that I count on.  The people that I REALLY need.
I know that some of the signals I've been receiving in my head are simply just the crazy going out for a walk.  The other day, I friend was tagged in a photo embracing another friend and it triggered a pang of jealousy.  I couldn't understand why I wasn't privy to such embraces.  From that moment on, I basically lost control of my sense of confidence.  Even after I came to my senses and remembered the COUNTLESS times said friend and I have really had no issue with tactile affection and there are numerous pictures of us doing so.  Displayed.  In my apartment.  All the time.  Still, to continue the metaphor, you can't call back the dogs of war. 
I started to see it everywhere.  My family.  I spent time at my sister's house both for my nephew's birthday and for the party for his birthday.  I don't know why, and it was nothing that anyone did, but something didn't feel right.  Somewhere around the time I started dating Anita, my relationship with my sister changed for the better.  Before we had a cordial relationship, but not really as loving as you would think a brother and sister would be.  I keep linking it to me dating Anita, and I'm sure that played a part in it, but really my illness as difficult as it was, had the happy side effect of really bringing my sister and I together.  Since that change occurred I've always felt at home whenever I've been in her house.  For some reason, when I visited them for my nephew's birthday on the 8th (I actually came the night before because I wanted to bake some things for him on his birthday - he loves that) I had this uneasy feeling.  At this point, I can only attribute it to my own ridiculousness, but that doesn't mean it wasn't there.  In fact, last night I had to get some prescriptions filled and I found out the CVS by her house wouldn't tell me if they carried the meds I needed.  I should've gone to the CVS and inquired in person, since the drugs I take are pretty powerful and subject to abuse by pill poppers, I think the pharmacist was just being cautious.  Much to my dismay, my first reaction was relief.  Relief that I would have to go home and be back in my "safe zone."  About an hour after I told my sister that I needed to go home and refill my meds at my local pharmacy, I realized that I had enough medication to last the night and the next morning.  In order to follow the prescription, I would need to be home by noon-ish .  I wrestled with it.  Part of me still wanted to go home.  Luckily, my better angels prevailed and I told her that I could stay the night.  My decision to stay was even protested by my mother who said that I need to stop jostling (I don't know how I jostled, any uncertainty all played out in my head) and that she had already moved her bags to the door and for some reason, that meant the decision to return home was final (I brought my mother).  My initial instinct was to give in and go home, but I fought it off.
I've been fending off similar feelings with people that are less attached to me by blood.  I think I've been perceiving really minor happenings into signs of problems left and right.  I find myself being more polite, as I would with a lesser friend, with some people.  I find myself challenging friends over nothing.  Over things that we've been chiding each other with for years and years.  For more than a decade.  I find myself feeling as though I'm imposing when I have invited myself to events with my friends numerous times.  It's almost expected at this point.  If someone is doing something, usually, anyone can jump aboard.  Why am I feeling so secluded?  I've spent the last week SURROUNDED by loved ones and I can't shake this feeling.
Am I afraid that as I get closer to the other end of this journey that I am so changed that the people in my life won't recognize me anymore?  Not value me anymore?  So much about me has been forever altered by this experience.  There are so many things that I wish could go back to the way they were (like my weight!) but I'm realizing more every day that they can't.  This thing that affected me has left its imprint.  In exchange for these unchangeable alterations, I get to live much longer than I would have without them.  Was it worth it?  What's worth feeling so alone?  I know that I'm crazy, but have I really gone THIS crazy?  Am I questioning my self worth?  As I get better, am I still me?  I'm not sure I want to answer that question.

Anonymous Letters

I guess it's time that I let out a little passive-aggression.  Before I start, I just want to say that this is the first post that I'm using my new Bluetooth keyboard and tablet with and that ain't bad!

1.  Every day I worry that we are going to drift apart.  You've been such a huge part of my life that I don't know what I'd do without you.  I know that my fears are essentially baseless and that every time we see each other, I'm reassured of our mutual affection, but I don't get to see you.  There's power in that.  Your face is is something that is etched in my heart and the less I get to see it, the more my heart yearns for it.  I know that emoting isn't exactly your favorite thing in the world, but it's true.  As life slows down for both of us, I hope we don't leave each other behind.

2.  You know, this is my second time writing these anonymous letters and both times, it's really just to say things to you.  You are the reason I'm doing this nonsense in the first place.  The last draft, which I threw away, the words I wrote to you were very angry and visceral.  I think for a little bit I hated you.  Of course I've come to my senses.  I would never be able to hold a grudge against you.  Why?  Because I love you.  I have loved you for a long time.  I've loved you almost since we met.  I don't know why you have singled me out for this punishment, but I promise you that you've won.  I give up and please stop.  If you're treating me this way intentionally, you should know that you are leaving a scar on my very soul because you cut right through me and that's how much I love you.  All I asked of you is to be my friend.  That's all I wanted.  I would walk through a fire for you and you can't tell me happy birthday.  Please stop, please tell me what I did wrong, please let me explain.  I miss you.

3.  And you.  Oh you.  I don't know.  I just never thought I'd get this opportunity.  I never thought I'd get a chance to prove myself to you.  Of course, I would prefer not to be in this specific situation, but since we're in the shit right now, I hope you know that I'm behind you 100%.  Whether I think you're right, wrong, up, or down, I'll follow you into the dark.  I know you're not exactly used to it, but I promise you that you can lean on me as much as you need to and I will prop you up to the best of my ability.  When I was going through my shit almost a decade ago, it was YOU that called that meeting at the diner and asked how you could help and it took ten years, but here I am at your disposal.  I hope that you understand that and maybe let me in a little bit. It doesn't always seem like it, but be assured that our circle is tighter and stronger than it's ever been and if you have trouble or are burdened, trust me and us to help in any way we can.  We're not here just for the good times, we're here for bad and the ugly.  It's not our prerogative, it's our duty and we're happy to do it.

4.  Just fuck you, OK?  Seriously.  I'm so so glad that you are where you are just so we can transition you out of our lives.  You got your position so close and you just wasted it being so selfish.  Contrary to popular belief, the universe does NOT revolve around you and sometimes, you've gotta give a little in a friendship.  But what would you know of that?  I don't know what in this world made you so damn selfish and so inconsiderate to people that are so so SO loyal to you, but it's disgusting.  The sooner we phase you out, the better we are.  We've already got a candidate to fill your shoes and that person has been doing fantastic and actually deserves our loyalty.  The less we get to see of you, the better.  I'm hoping one day you're nothing but a holiday card.

5.  You're my sanity right now.  I don't talk to you enough.  I don't see you enough.  I don't get enough one on one time.  Nothing.  But the time we do spend talking or spending time with each other is rejuvenating.  I'm glad that we have a relationship that allows us to sit down and really talk.  Yeah, when the lights are shining bright, we're the performers, but I'm glad that we can do it when the stage is closed as well.  When you were here last and we were able to sit and talk, I swear it felt like I took a brick off my shoulder.  I know that we're both dealing with some unpleasant situations right now and I'm glad that we can cut through the fog, sit down, and really discuss things with each other.  You are as close to Tom Hagan as anyone in my life.

6.  You're the battery that recharges my soul.  I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am that you've been allotting so much of your free time to spend with me.  I know that you have very adult responsibilities and I understand that your free time is so precious but that's what makes me as grateful as I am.  When you and I are together doing what we do, I'm telling you, it feels like I'm living my dream.  I wish we could do more of it and have it be more serious, but even still, what we accomplish together is absolute ambrosia for my soul and I thank you.  I know that you don't always get the loudest kudos, but you and everything you bring is an absolute pillar of my life.  I hope that as my health improves, I can travel more and we can maybe take our project to the next level, maybe.  Then I would really be able to say that you helped make my dreams come true. 

7.  I feel like sometimes you get lost in my life.  Most people's lives have a pyramid of friendship where their lesser acquaintances are in great number and their closer friends are less numerous with it ultimately culminating at the top with one best friend.  By virtue of some odd stroke of luck, my life seems to be the reciprocal.  The space at the top of the pyramid is crowded with people that I would walk through a fire for because I know they'd do the same for me.  I don't know if I make it as abundantly clear as I should as to your position on this upside down pyramid.  I assure you, you occupy the absolute top tier.  I just feel like because I have so many people I hold so dear, you might not get your time in the sun.  The truth of the matter is, out of all the people in my life, I find you to be the most inspiring.  When I feel as though the walls are caving in around me, I'm always reminded of the strength and humanity you have in dealing with your own difficult situations.  You are the kind of person that books should be written about.  You're not just a great friend, you're kind of my hero.  And not just because we mix our pudding together.

8.  I really don't know how you sleep at night.  Honestly.  Most of all, I feel betrayed.  I feel betrayed of all the things that were instilled in me as a child.  All the things I thought you shared with me.  You have revealed yourself to be little more than a charlatan.  It's all an act that you put on.  I knew that you pretended to be a better person in the presence of others, but I didn't think you practiced such deception with me.  With everyone.  We were supposed to stick together no matter what.  Put our heads together in times of crisis.  That's not you, anymore.  You are always looking at the clock.  Always looking for when you've put in what you think is a days work and when you can check out and get back to what you want to do.  Sometimes, the situation requires more of you.  Sometimes the shit hits the fan and you need to put in overtime.  That's what love is.  And that's what I thought you taught me.  Of everything, I think the worst thing you did was pit me against someone who should have been close to me my whole life.  For as long as I can remember, you played us against each other so that you could always be the shining star.  The hero.  Well guess what?  We both got a peek behind the curtain and we know that you're not the real wizard.  If you feel powerless now with us, it's because we are united.  We have the relationship that we should have had right from the start, despite you trying to insure otherwise.  I struggle every day with the fact that the less I see you, the better off we are.  That's not because we don't want you around, but it's because we can't live in your world anymore.  Your world isn't real and it never was.  When you recognize reality, then you are welcome to join us.  Until then, get used to arm's length.

9.   Uhm.  Wow.  Talk about a roller coaster.  I've been called dramatic and over emotional, but you take the cake.  I get that you have your own issues, but much of your problems are really just you looking for attention.  Not only that, but you're setting records for selfishness.  I have yet to meet someone your age that has so little regard for anyone.  I don't think I've EVER met someone so concerned with controlling the story.  I hope you get it soon.  I hope you learn that everyone around you can't constantly be the pawns in your delusion.  We have to contend with the real world and don't always have the time to fight your fantasies.

Everyone has a sad story. It doesn't excuse anything.

I've always been able to brush things off.  Everything.  At least, I've always been able to push things to the back of my mind and brood on it when I'm alone listening to the angry music I thought I gave up on long ago.    I've had my share of problems.  I've made my share of mistakes.  I've seen my share of curve balls.  Every single situation, I've dealt with and moved on in one way or another.  From bad breakups that cost me friendships to problems growing up without a real father figure to looking for attention in all the wrong ways.

I'm fucking 2+ years out from this stupid bone marrow transplant and it still defines almost EVERYTHING I do.  I just spent a weekend with 2 of my absolute best friends in the world and I had to sleep for the equivalent of an ENTIRE DAY just to regain my strength.  What did we do that was so taxing on my body?  Oh, just walked around a museum.  Went out to eat.  Argued baseball with strangers. In bed around midnight.  Crazy, right?  When is this going to end?  People tell me to revel in the small victories I have here or there but what?! How?  How can I do this when I expected so much more? How can I do this when I want so much more?

Everyone tells me to compartmentalize, great advice.  Now try it.  Seriously.  Try and separate yourself from something that rules your life.  Imagine having a shitty job with an absolutely shitty commute that pays a great salary.  Is money going to fix the fact that at least 5 days a week you're in hell? If you were looking for another job, wouldn't those factors come into play?  The difference with me is that I don't have another choice.  This is all I got. My entire existence is ruled by this thing.  This decision everyone and I made a long time ago.  We all thought it would be over now.  We all thought I'd be back to me.  I'm told to "just realize I'm living a different impermanent existence".  To blame the disease and not myself.  You know what?  It's not that easy.  How long is impermanent impermanent?  This is going on TWO YEARS of issues.  TWO YEARS? If you stick a needle in someone's arm, at some point no matter what they're going to become an addict.

You know what's funny?  During this recent Presidential election season, we were bombarded with slogans demonizing so-called "takers" and societal "moothers".  When do I fall into this category?  What does the clock start ticking?  When do the whispers start among my family friends that I'm somehow milking this?  When does public opinion sour, if it hasn't already.  How fast do I have to run to get away from that?  How many pills much I swallow every day to avoid the jagged little pill of the inevitable backlash.  I see everyone's lives progressing without me and I hate it.  I hate it to the point where I decided I need a little break from social media.  Seeing everyone else be so happy without me can't be good for my psyche.  I don't know.  This is so difficult.

Maybe I'm just over exaggerating.  It's just so hard to live each day without feeling helpless and shame.  Unfortunately, I'm afraid this might never end and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it.

Vanity

I know as a man that I shouldn't be caught dead saying something like this, but I just have to be honest.  My weight and the changes in my appearance are bothering me.  The funny thing is, my overall WEIGHT hasn't changed, but the way the medication is affecting me, where I carry said weight has changed.  In fact, a few aspects of my appearance have changed every time I look in the mirror, I just don't look like me.  So, to bring everyone up to speed... I don't LOOK like me.. I don't FEEL like me.. I stopped acting like me a long time ago... Am I still me?  Am I still home? 

I have these terrible dark circles around my eyes.  Not like bags or things that you hear most high school girls complain about, but these DEEP, DARK circles that make me look a bit ghostly.. I can't get rid of them and it's starting to dawn on me that I may never and they'll always be here.  My doctor warned me that the medication I'm on would transfer more weight to my face, especially since he more than doubled it a few weeks ago.  I didn't think it would be so dramatic and so quick.  I feel so vain and so stupid for even writing about this, but I mean...

What's worse is that I have basically nothing to do but sit here at home and sulk.  I'm not well enough to really do anything and the one time I was encouraged by my doctor to exert myself and spend some time with my friends, I paid for it in bed for about 4 days straight.  The treatment path I'm on right now is long and ardous.  Since it involves draining me of blood, I have to wait 2 weeks between each session to allow for my body to recover from the last blood letting.  That leaves me with nothing but time to sit at home and stare at myself and how completely alien I have become. 

It's amazing what a sport I've made of NOT looking at myself in the mirror.  I didn't notice it until today when I was using my webcam and I saw myself in detail for the first time in a looooooong time.  I was seriously ashamed and a little appalled.  It was so shocking and jarring that I ran to the bathroom to change what I could.  Unfortunately, there were no answers in the medicine cabinet. 

I feel sense of self slipping away each day.  I never thought saving my life would take me so far away from me.