I have basically been immobile the last two days. I have been trying to be more mobile and active to try and get my body ready to get back to work. In this effort, I went to a game night at my best friends' house on Saturday night. I was very conscious of how much energy I was trying to conserve and what food I was eating to maintain myself.
I didn't even see it coming. The next two days were filled with so much pain and fatigue, I could barely get out of bed. I have been so much pain that I've basically went through my pain killers. I'm done. With REALLY strong narcotics. This is the longest episode of prolonged pain that I've ever had. I need help just to get up. I'm basically a mess. If I'm in excruciating pain tomorrow, I don't even know I would be able to do. It's not like the doc could call in the prescription for narcotics.. That's illegal.
I don't know what to make of this latest episode. My hands are shaking harder than they've shook in a while. My joints CRY OUT in pain every waking minute.
I feel so listless.
I've been trying to detach myself from what's going on, but I find it difficult. I'm trying to frame what I'm going through as an experience as opposed what I am. But I'm finding it difficult. And the more I think about it, the more I think I've changed for the worse. Some of what made me ME is gone and I fear that I will never gain it back. Worst yet, it's been replaced by this listless, joylessness. Just marking time and not enjoying. Not cherishing time with loved ones like I should. I would say it's a funk, but it's been going on for far too long. The only things that make me feel REALLY happy inside right now are my sister's kids. My god. Just to be around them when I can. To have them sit in my lap with their scrawny little arms wrapped around my neck. To have Ella ask me about the world (and subsequently have me lie to her to make sure she stays away from boys until she's at least 30). Or to see how imaginative Cameron is when he plays. It is what life is supposed to be. It's why I understand why my sister is the way she is. She doesn't wear expensive clothes. She doesn't go out. She doesn't cook too often.. She sometimes has issues with her job. But to come home to those two every day, I'm sure every day might not be as great as the time that I have with them, but I can bet you that if you ask her, she would tell you the good days ALWAYS outnumber the bad with her family. What else can you ask of life?
Of course, what makes me most happy is my wife. I can't deal with the way she looks at me and caresses my face. I've become such a wretch. Such a shadow of the man I know she intended to marry, but there she is, always ready to help me out, or to say I love you, or to just hold me. The love I see in her eyes and embrace every day is what keeps me going to the next day.
And thank goodness for my mother. This past Monday was absolutely impossible for me to deal with. I called her at noon and she literally stopped what she was doing, came over, took me to my doctor's appointment and then helped me buy some groceries for the house (we were missing some essentials). I don't know a lot of moms that could be on call within the hour. It meant so much to me to go to that appointment and I was afraid I'd have to miss it. She really savd the day.
I have another appointment on Thursday. Let's hope we can fix some things. I can't keep going like this. I can't keep existing like this. I need to feel. I need to experience joy outside of my immediate life and I don't know how to turn that back on. Am I depressed? I can't imagine someone with my attitude is depressed, but then again.. WTF do I know.
Ugh.
