I've always been able to brush things off. Everything. At least, I've always been able to push things to the back of my mind and brood on it when I'm alone listening to the angry music I thought I gave up on long ago. I've had my share of problems. I've made my share of mistakes. I've seen my share of curve balls. Every single situation, I've dealt with and moved on in one way or another. From bad breakups that cost me friendships to problems growing up without a real father figure to looking for attention in all the wrong ways.
I'm fucking 2+ years out from this stupid bone marrow transplant and it still defines almost EVERYTHING I do. I just spent a weekend with 2 of my absolute best friends in the world and I had to sleep for the equivalent of an ENTIRE DAY just to regain my strength. What did we do that was so taxing on my body? Oh, just walked around a museum. Went out to eat. Argued baseball with strangers. In bed around midnight. Crazy, right? When is this going to end? People tell me to revel in the small victories I have here or there but what?! How? How can I do this when I expected so much more? How can I do this when I want so much more?
Everyone tells me to compartmentalize, great advice. Now try it. Seriously. Try and separate yourself from something that rules your life. Imagine having a shitty job with an absolutely shitty commute that pays a great salary. Is money going to fix the fact that at least 5 days a week you're in hell? If you were looking for another job, wouldn't those factors come into play? The difference with me is that I don't have another choice. This is all I got. My entire existence is ruled by this thing. This decision everyone and I made a long time ago. We all thought it would be over now. We all thought I'd be back to me. I'm told to "just realize I'm living a different impermanent existence". To blame the disease and not myself. You know what? It's not that easy. How long is impermanent impermanent? This is going on TWO YEARS of issues. TWO YEARS? If you stick a needle in someone's arm, at some point no matter what they're going to become an addict.
You know what's funny? During this recent Presidential election season, we were bombarded with slogans demonizing so-called "takers" and societal "moothers". When do I fall into this category? What does the clock start ticking? When do the whispers start among my family friends that I'm somehow milking this? When does public opinion sour, if it hasn't already. How fast do I have to run to get away from that? How many pills much I swallow every day to avoid the jagged little pill of the inevitable backlash. I see everyone's lives progressing without me and I hate it. I hate it to the point where I decided I need a little break from social media. Seeing everyone else be so happy without me can't be good for my psyche. I don't know. This is so difficult.
Maybe I'm just over exaggerating. It's just so hard to live each day without feeling helpless and shame. Unfortunately, I'm afraid this might never end and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it.
I'm fucking 2+ years out from this stupid bone marrow transplant and it still defines almost EVERYTHING I do. I just spent a weekend with 2 of my absolute best friends in the world and I had to sleep for the equivalent of an ENTIRE DAY just to regain my strength. What did we do that was so taxing on my body? Oh, just walked around a museum. Went out to eat. Argued baseball with strangers. In bed around midnight. Crazy, right? When is this going to end? People tell me to revel in the small victories I have here or there but what?! How? How can I do this when I expected so much more? How can I do this when I want so much more?
Everyone tells me to compartmentalize, great advice. Now try it. Seriously. Try and separate yourself from something that rules your life. Imagine having a shitty job with an absolutely shitty commute that pays a great salary. Is money going to fix the fact that at least 5 days a week you're in hell? If you were looking for another job, wouldn't those factors come into play? The difference with me is that I don't have another choice. This is all I got. My entire existence is ruled by this thing. This decision everyone and I made a long time ago. We all thought it would be over now. We all thought I'd be back to me. I'm told to "just realize I'm living a different impermanent existence". To blame the disease and not myself. You know what? It's not that easy. How long is impermanent impermanent? This is going on TWO YEARS of issues. TWO YEARS? If you stick a needle in someone's arm, at some point no matter what they're going to become an addict.
You know what's funny? During this recent Presidential election season, we were bombarded with slogans demonizing so-called "takers" and societal "moothers". When do I fall into this category? What does the clock start ticking? When do the whispers start among my family friends that I'm somehow milking this? When does public opinion sour, if it hasn't already. How fast do I have to run to get away from that? How many pills much I swallow every day to avoid the jagged little pill of the inevitable backlash. I see everyone's lives progressing without me and I hate it. I hate it to the point where I decided I need a little break from social media. Seeing everyone else be so happy without me can't be good for my psyche. I don't know. This is so difficult.
Maybe I'm just over exaggerating. It's just so hard to live each day without feeling helpless and shame. Unfortunately, I'm afraid this might never end and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it.
