Take it easy, Tiger

So, I've been wondering for a really long time as to why I know longer derive as much  joy as I used to when I was younger. And I think I just found out why.

I'm sitting on a train headed towards Newark to watch the Devils play the Blues and to pass the time, I was reading an ebook I had gotten for my wife. It is the Mindy Kaling book and after reading a few pages, I finally realized my problem. I have been taking myself way too fucking seriously. Holy shit! Ever since I got sick, I've been so lost in my own head and trying to make every word count, I forgot that not everything has to be some huge revelation or some catharsis for some crime committed against me from 20 years ago. I can't believe I've been so stuck up that I don't think mundane topics are worth blogging about. Who the hell am I? No one cares that I write here and my only audience really is my wife and a couple of friends. Take it easy, Paulash. You are not and have never been this serious.

You Can See The Sun Shining if You Really Want to

Any that's spent 5 minutes reading my blog knows that over the last several years, me living out that year wasn't always as certain as it should be relative to someone my age.  I've only had close encounters with the possibly of not seeing the sun rise the next day maybe about 4 times, but other than that, my basic survival was in question for the last 3 years because of my failing health.  What have all these brushes with death taught me?  They've taught me the importance of regret.  They've taught me the importance of love.  Most importantly, I've learned that there are only a certain number of things in life that I can actively control.  Sometimes a shitty situation is a shitty situation and you've gotta take it for what it's worth.  Sometimes, you've gotta concede defeat in order to continue the war.
Lately, I'm having difficulty telling who the good guys are.  I guess war is a bad analogy when trying to describe your life, but if nothing else, I've been battling, trying to get up the hill, and back to myself.  Of course, I would have absolutely zero chance if not for my incredible (perceived) support system.  For the past few days, I think my neuroses when it comes to the people around me has been getting the best of me.  I think it might be a product of the fact that in one way or another, I don't remember really being alone for any extended period of time for the last 5 years.  I've always had someone around or at least close by because of the seriousness of my health. Unfortunately , it seems as my physical health improves, I might be exposing my frayed mental health.
This all started when Anita left a week ago to visit her about-to-pop pregnant sister.  In the weeks leading up to her flight, I joked around with her that she's clearly making a terrible decision and who knows if I could survive by myself.  I'm beginning to think those jokes were really some sort of panic attack by my subconscious.  What's troubling of that I haven't even been ALONE for any extended period of time, yet.  Really, since she left a week ago, I think I've maybe spent about 30 hours or so by myself.  Thanks to a few of my better friends and my nephew's birthday, I've been spending most of my hours with other people occupying my mind.  Tonight marks the first night that I will be in a stretch of a week by myself and if tonight is any indication....  Uh oh.
I don't really know what's wrong with my head.  I don't recall ever being this neurotic.  I'm actually complaining about the sincerity of the people in my life while also writing (typing?!) that in the 2 weeks that my wife is scheduled to be away, I've had or have scheduled things to do with other people on every day but 4.  You would think a 33 year old man could survive 4 days alone, right?  Only 2 of those days are consecutive!  Pull it together, man!
So what I'm trying to say I know I'm crazy, but am I?  I've always been adept at reading people and assessing the situation, so either what's going on here is that my recovery has somehow caused a short-circuit in that ability OR there is an actual issue with the people that I count on.  The people that I REALLY need.
I know that some of the signals I've been receiving in my head are simply just the crazy going out for a walk.  The other day, I friend was tagged in a photo embracing another friend and it triggered a pang of jealousy.  I couldn't understand why I wasn't privy to such embraces.  From that moment on, I basically lost control of my sense of confidence.  Even after I came to my senses and remembered the COUNTLESS times said friend and I have really had no issue with tactile affection and there are numerous pictures of us doing so.  Displayed.  In my apartment.  All the time.  Still, to continue the metaphor, you can't call back the dogs of war. 
I started to see it everywhere.  My family.  I spent time at my sister's house both for my nephew's birthday and for the party for his birthday.  I don't know why, and it was nothing that anyone did, but something didn't feel right.  Somewhere around the time I started dating Anita, my relationship with my sister changed for the better.  Before we had a cordial relationship, but not really as loving as you would think a brother and sister would be.  I keep linking it to me dating Anita, and I'm sure that played a part in it, but really my illness as difficult as it was, had the happy side effect of really bringing my sister and I together.  Since that change occurred I've always felt at home whenever I've been in her house.  For some reason, when I visited them for my nephew's birthday on the 8th (I actually came the night before because I wanted to bake some things for him on his birthday - he loves that) I had this uneasy feeling.  At this point, I can only attribute it to my own ridiculousness, but that doesn't mean it wasn't there.  In fact, last night I had to get some prescriptions filled and I found out the CVS by her house wouldn't tell me if they carried the meds I needed.  I should've gone to the CVS and inquired in person, since the drugs I take are pretty powerful and subject to abuse by pill poppers, I think the pharmacist was just being cautious.  Much to my dismay, my first reaction was relief.  Relief that I would have to go home and be back in my "safe zone."  About an hour after I told my sister that I needed to go home and refill my meds at my local pharmacy, I realized that I had enough medication to last the night and the next morning.  In order to follow the prescription, I would need to be home by noon-ish .  I wrestled with it.  Part of me still wanted to go home.  Luckily, my better angels prevailed and I told her that I could stay the night.  My decision to stay was even protested by my mother who said that I need to stop jostling (I don't know how I jostled, any uncertainty all played out in my head) and that she had already moved her bags to the door and for some reason, that meant the decision to return home was final (I brought my mother).  My initial instinct was to give in and go home, but I fought it off.
I've been fending off similar feelings with people that are less attached to me by blood.  I think I've been perceiving really minor happenings into signs of problems left and right.  I find myself being more polite, as I would with a lesser friend, with some people.  I find myself challenging friends over nothing.  Over things that we've been chiding each other with for years and years.  For more than a decade.  I find myself feeling as though I'm imposing when I have invited myself to events with my friends numerous times.  It's almost expected at this point.  If someone is doing something, usually, anyone can jump aboard.  Why am I feeling so secluded?  I've spent the last week SURROUNDED by loved ones and I can't shake this feeling.
Am I afraid that as I get closer to the other end of this journey that I am so changed that the people in my life won't recognize me anymore?  Not value me anymore?  So much about me has been forever altered by this experience.  There are so many things that I wish could go back to the way they were (like my weight!) but I'm realizing more every day that they can't.  This thing that affected me has left its imprint.  In exchange for these unchangeable alterations, I get to live much longer than I would have without them.  Was it worth it?  What's worth feeling so alone?  I know that I'm crazy, but have I really gone THIS crazy?  Am I questioning my self worth?  As I get better, am I still me?  I'm not sure I want to answer that question.

Invisible Borders: The Birth of Paulash

Not too many people that have met me in the last 10 years know this, but from the time I was born until the time I was about 20, I went by the name "Paul."  In fact, my name is supposed to be spelled Palash but my father decided to add that extra letter to make it easier for me to go by the name Paul and assimilate.  In a way, that name became a way for me to hide who I was.  When questioned about my ethnicity or culture, I would run behind it and hide.  I would proudly declare that I'm an "American" (Read: white) and that I happily rejected all that Indian stuff because ew they smell, they only eat curry, and they all have thick accents and don't speak English well enough.  I was prejudiced against my own people because I was afraid to be one of them.

When I was younger, I wasn't really accepted into the Indian cliques.  I grew up in a town that had an absolutely booming Indian population and because of that, most of the kids my age we all immigrants and all Gujurati.  For one reasons beyond my control, most of them didn't like me.  They used to say something to me in the halls at school and then giggle condescendingly  to themselves and whisper in a language that I didn't understand.  I never felt wanted by that group.  Growing up, I ignored this part of me and threw myself into trying to fit in with whatever group I could latch onto.  This took longer than you would think it did.  I had to wear many masks to try and only show the parts of me that I thought people would accept.  I used humor to deflect.  A few people saw through it (and are still my friends), but for the most part, people saw what I let them.

Paul had almost become a character.  A role I was playing in order be the person I thought they wanted me to be.  To be the person I thought I wanted to be.  I was almost 20 years old before I was comfortable enough to start peeling back the onion.  Funny enough, as I got more comfortable with this newest cast of characters, the people that ultimately would become my closest friends, something happened that would lead me to where I needed to be.  Something happened by chance that led me to me.  For the first time, I discovered the complete person and was happy, comfortable, and strong enough to embrace it.

So unbeknownst to me, one of my good friends referred to me as "Indian Paul," not to my face, but when he referred to me to others.  When I found out about I was incredibly offended.  He didn't mean any malice by it; it was just a way for him to distinguish me from any other Pauls that he might've known.  But to me, it represented everything that I had been hiding from.  It represented everything I had denied until then.  It was like a huge scar on my face.  I thought if I didn't talk about it, maybe no one would notice.  When I found out that I was being called Indian Paul, all the walls I had built up as a teenager crumbled.  In an instant, the very scar that I had been denying was my defining characteristic.

At the time, I was infuriated.  Out of some misguided spite, I asked everyone to call me by my real name.  It seemed less offensive to me than Indian Paul.  Just the word Indian was something I had grown to shun.  But of course, in retrospect, this moniker that I so abhorred became my liberation.  My friend (who today remains to be one of my best friends; my brother from another mother) had forced me to deal with my self image issues without even knowing what he had done.

After asking all my friends to use my given name, I realized my fear was my own.  Sure, they mumbled and grumbled about it at first but in the end, no one cared.  At all.  Not even one bit.  Armed with this knowledge, I started to let my inner desi out.  After about a ten year hiatus, I watched the Bollywood movie Kal Ho Naa Ho.  I cried.  Of course, I got over the usual notion that Bollywood movies are incredibly overdramatic (which they are) and I fast forwarded through most of the songs (which I eventually came to love) but in the end, I really came to love the story.  As a young boy, I used to watch these movies with my mom and I guess that romantic side of me was borne of these moments.  The transformation had officially begun.

I'm about 14 years into the experiment as Paulash and I have to say, I'm much happier than I was.  There's so much I've learned that I wish I could go back and tell to Paul.  So much about being yourself and not worrying about what other people think and that it's OK to be yourself, no matter what everyone else expects you to be.  Maybe then the internal conflict wouldn't have taken so long to quell.  Maybe my life would have involved less tumult.

Actually, you know what?  As much as I pine to go back and change things, I think maybe those battles were necessary to bring mere where I am right now.  Maybe I needed to go through that in order to really find out who I am and what I want to strive towards.  I guess I won't ever really know the answers to these questions, but what I do know is that right now, this place is where I want to and should be.  Not every day is puppy dogs and rainbows, but you know what?  Most of them are.  I may have not won every battle, but I've definitely won the war.

Anonymous Letters

I guess it's time that I let out a little passive-aggression.  Before I start, I just want to say that this is the first post that I'm using my new Bluetooth keyboard and tablet with and that ain't bad!

1.  Every day I worry that we are going to drift apart.  You've been such a huge part of my life that I don't know what I'd do without you.  I know that my fears are essentially baseless and that every time we see each other, I'm reassured of our mutual affection, but I don't get to see you.  There's power in that.  Your face is is something that is etched in my heart and the less I get to see it, the more my heart yearns for it.  I know that emoting isn't exactly your favorite thing in the world, but it's true.  As life slows down for both of us, I hope we don't leave each other behind.

2.  You know, this is my second time writing these anonymous letters and both times, it's really just to say things to you.  You are the reason I'm doing this nonsense in the first place.  The last draft, which I threw away, the words I wrote to you were very angry and visceral.  I think for a little bit I hated you.  Of course I've come to my senses.  I would never be able to hold a grudge against you.  Why?  Because I love you.  I have loved you for a long time.  I've loved you almost since we met.  I don't know why you have singled me out for this punishment, but I promise you that you've won.  I give up and please stop.  If you're treating me this way intentionally, you should know that you are leaving a scar on my very soul because you cut right through me and that's how much I love you.  All I asked of you is to be my friend.  That's all I wanted.  I would walk through a fire for you and you can't tell me happy birthday.  Please stop, please tell me what I did wrong, please let me explain.  I miss you.

3.  And you.  Oh you.  I don't know.  I just never thought I'd get this opportunity.  I never thought I'd get a chance to prove myself to you.  Of course, I would prefer not to be in this specific situation, but since we're in the shit right now, I hope you know that I'm behind you 100%.  Whether I think you're right, wrong, up, or down, I'll follow you into the dark.  I know you're not exactly used to it, but I promise you that you can lean on me as much as you need to and I will prop you up to the best of my ability.  When I was going through my shit almost a decade ago, it was YOU that called that meeting at the diner and asked how you could help and it took ten years, but here I am at your disposal.  I hope that you understand that and maybe let me in a little bit. It doesn't always seem like it, but be assured that our circle is tighter and stronger than it's ever been and if you have trouble or are burdened, trust me and us to help in any way we can.  We're not here just for the good times, we're here for bad and the ugly.  It's not our prerogative, it's our duty and we're happy to do it.

4.  Just fuck you, OK?  Seriously.  I'm so so glad that you are where you are just so we can transition you out of our lives.  You got your position so close and you just wasted it being so selfish.  Contrary to popular belief, the universe does NOT revolve around you and sometimes, you've gotta give a little in a friendship.  But what would you know of that?  I don't know what in this world made you so damn selfish and so inconsiderate to people that are so so SO loyal to you, but it's disgusting.  The sooner we phase you out, the better we are.  We've already got a candidate to fill your shoes and that person has been doing fantastic and actually deserves our loyalty.  The less we get to see of you, the better.  I'm hoping one day you're nothing but a holiday card.

5.  You're my sanity right now.  I don't talk to you enough.  I don't see you enough.  I don't get enough one on one time.  Nothing.  But the time we do spend talking or spending time with each other is rejuvenating.  I'm glad that we have a relationship that allows us to sit down and really talk.  Yeah, when the lights are shining bright, we're the performers, but I'm glad that we can do it when the stage is closed as well.  When you were here last and we were able to sit and talk, I swear it felt like I took a brick off my shoulder.  I know that we're both dealing with some unpleasant situations right now and I'm glad that we can cut through the fog, sit down, and really discuss things with each other.  You are as close to Tom Hagan as anyone in my life.

6.  You're the battery that recharges my soul.  I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am that you've been allotting so much of your free time to spend with me.  I know that you have very adult responsibilities and I understand that your free time is so precious but that's what makes me as grateful as I am.  When you and I are together doing what we do, I'm telling you, it feels like I'm living my dream.  I wish we could do more of it and have it be more serious, but even still, what we accomplish together is absolute ambrosia for my soul and I thank you.  I know that you don't always get the loudest kudos, but you and everything you bring is an absolute pillar of my life.  I hope that as my health improves, I can travel more and we can maybe take our project to the next level, maybe.  Then I would really be able to say that you helped make my dreams come true. 

7.  I feel like sometimes you get lost in my life.  Most people's lives have a pyramid of friendship where their lesser acquaintances are in great number and their closer friends are less numerous with it ultimately culminating at the top with one best friend.  By virtue of some odd stroke of luck, my life seems to be the reciprocal.  The space at the top of the pyramid is crowded with people that I would walk through a fire for because I know they'd do the same for me.  I don't know if I make it as abundantly clear as I should as to your position on this upside down pyramid.  I assure you, you occupy the absolute top tier.  I just feel like because I have so many people I hold so dear, you might not get your time in the sun.  The truth of the matter is, out of all the people in my life, I find you to be the most inspiring.  When I feel as though the walls are caving in around me, I'm always reminded of the strength and humanity you have in dealing with your own difficult situations.  You are the kind of person that books should be written about.  You're not just a great friend, you're kind of my hero.  And not just because we mix our pudding together.

8.  I really don't know how you sleep at night.  Honestly.  Most of all, I feel betrayed.  I feel betrayed of all the things that were instilled in me as a child.  All the things I thought you shared with me.  You have revealed yourself to be little more than a charlatan.  It's all an act that you put on.  I knew that you pretended to be a better person in the presence of others, but I didn't think you practiced such deception with me.  With everyone.  We were supposed to stick together no matter what.  Put our heads together in times of crisis.  That's not you, anymore.  You are always looking at the clock.  Always looking for when you've put in what you think is a days work and when you can check out and get back to what you want to do.  Sometimes, the situation requires more of you.  Sometimes the shit hits the fan and you need to put in overtime.  That's what love is.  And that's what I thought you taught me.  Of everything, I think the worst thing you did was pit me against someone who should have been close to me my whole life.  For as long as I can remember, you played us against each other so that you could always be the shining star.  The hero.  Well guess what?  We both got a peek behind the curtain and we know that you're not the real wizard.  If you feel powerless now with us, it's because we are united.  We have the relationship that we should have had right from the start, despite you trying to insure otherwise.  I struggle every day with the fact that the less I see you, the better off we are.  That's not because we don't want you around, but it's because we can't live in your world anymore.  Your world isn't real and it never was.  When you recognize reality, then you are welcome to join us.  Until then, get used to arm's length.

9.   Uhm.  Wow.  Talk about a roller coaster.  I've been called dramatic and over emotional, but you take the cake.  I get that you have your own issues, but much of your problems are really just you looking for attention.  Not only that, but you're setting records for selfishness.  I have yet to meet someone your age that has so little regard for anyone.  I don't think I've EVER met someone so concerned with controlling the story.  I hope you get it soon.  I hope you learn that everyone around you can't constantly be the pawns in your delusion.  We have to contend with the real world and don't always have the time to fight your fantasies.

Welcome to the Shit Show

It's amazing how one thing going wrong in your life can so easily turn into a titanic sized clusterfuck.  When someone turns on the light, everything that you've been hiding in the dark starts casting a shadow.  Sometime, shadows make it just as difficult to see as the dark.  This whole thing started because I was sick.  I was sick beyond what I could handle.  Beyond what anyone could handle.  Beyond comprehension.  Every time I mention to someone that I've had a stem cell transplant, their eyes bug out of their heads.  "But you're so young," is the universally accepted response followed by other useless platitudes.  It's true.  I was young.  This final process started when I was just 27.  27.  I can't even imagine it anymore.  When they figured out what was wrong, I was given almost a year to process the fact that a transplant might be in order.

But really, nothing could prepared me.  Nothing could prepared us.  After I came home, I remember my friend came over and as soon as she saw me, she threw her arms around me and hugged me as hard as I've ever been hugged.  I have to admit, I didn't really know how to react to it.  Sometimes, even to this day, it escapes me that it's not just me that's affected by my illness.  That the people in my life all have some sort of stake in my survival.  Of course I knew that my family (for the most part) put my needs first to the best of their abilities and of course there was Anita.  To this day I don't know how she did it.  The nights sleeping on that hospital bed.  Giving up entire summers in the years she should be out dancing and drinking until the entire night is a blur.  Those are the nights she spent sitting in my hospital room, holding my hand, and watching Sportscenter.  Looking forward to sleeping on an unforgiving convertable chair/bed/torture rack, I still don't know how she held on.  The only thing I'm sure of is that I would not have had the strength in her place.  I've always been the weak one.

I'm also amazed by how much my friends have been looking out for me.  Of course, maybe they're all in it for the services of a permanent designated driver, but I guess I can give them the benefit of the doubt.  I have had friends drive me around, rearrange their schedules, I've had friends travel from Florida just to visit me. Encouraging text messages, helping me up stairs, understanding last minute cancellations, hospital visit after hospital visit, these people have truly proved their worth.  Don't the deserve a break?  Doesn't everyone deserve a break from all this?  Don't I fucking deserve a break from all this?  Doesn't my wife deserve to live her life like any one of her peers?

Now that I'm almost 3 years removed from the actual transplant, I can't believe how far I've come and at the same time, how distant the goal seems.  I sat today with my neighbor recalling all the times that I was rushed to the hospital because my blood counts were so low that I needed an immediate transfusion.  I mused at how difficult it was to find matching blood for me after 2 years because of all the antibodies.  I sat and thought about and recited that my current condition is bad, but what I was going through before was much worse.  Granted, I'm not going to the ER every 3 weeks, but how much better is my standard of life right now?  I keep trying to tell myself that I'd do it all again, but honestly, 2 weeks before my 3rd "rebirthday," I'm just not sure I would.
Of course, the physical issues that have been a result of the GVHD have been awful, but I think just the sheer amount of time that I've been in this almost state of limbo has taken an immense toll on me mentally.

I've been in therapy for over a year and it seems that as my body is recovering that my mind is just purging all the darkness it held inside.  All these absolute gems have surfaced from times that I've so long forgotten that I just didn't think I would be dealing with.  How am I supposed to cope with my shitty childhood and my recovery simultaneously?  Is that fair?  To have to deal with the evil I experienced in the years I couldn't protect myself and the illness I developed through no fault of my own?  How can I my mind hope to resolve when my body is taking so long?  I'm just not sure this is going to turn out like we all wanted.

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of sad songs and having a lot of questionable thoughts.  I'm plagued with thoughts of ways to stop the pictures from flashing through my mind.  One of the side effects of all the medication I'm on has been that I tend to have an averse reaction to alcohol.  If I go out with my friends, I am now normally the designated driver because I just can't drink anymore.  Over the last week or so, while I'm laying in bed all alone, the only thing I can think about besides absolutely awful memories are the thoughts of going to the kitchen and drinking myself into a stupor and falling asleep.  I think of taking more morphine that I'm supposed to in order to help clear my mind.  To just make it go away, ALL of it.  If only for the next hour.  Lucky for me, I hear my wife breathing as she sleeps and I couldn't do that to her.  I've seen what addiction did to my parents' marriage.  I've seen what it turned my father and my mother into.  No one survives addiction, so right now my better angels have been prevailing, but I'm not sure how long I will hear them.