While most people are looking for something special to punctuate their lives, at this point I'm just looking for a sense of normalcy. I'm looking for a brief respite from fighting to just feel normal for a change. The few chances that I get at it make me feel great. The main problem is happens to be that the opportunities to feel like me are running few and far between.
On a normal day, I wake up at about 9:30 and take engage in my morning ritual. Most people have the SSS (shit, shower, shave), I have an added S for Self medicate. I throw on my "i feel sick" robe and sit down by our TV. If I'm feeling extra sick, I climb back into bad with my beautiful wife and see if I can avoid falling into her trap. You see, once Anita senses that I am back within her reach, she sets the trap. She'll have me wrap my arm around her and she rubs my head. If she's able to execute it right, we're bypassing getting up, eating, getting ready, and going straight to 5 hour nap mode. She's so evil! She knows how much I hate wasting away in bed but she doesn't care, she just wants the snuggle for her own agenda!!!! But I digress
Normally, after I wake up , I flip between the news and Sportscenter. This way I know if there are attacks on the way from Iran or Mike. Once I am versed on the sports and news of the day, I get ready to... Wait. That's basically what I do. Isn't that miserable? I basically have to stare at the clock to know when to take my pills, when to awake, when Judge Alex comes on and THAT'S it. That's the vast umbrella of my responsibilities. Aren't I a bit more than a watchgazer? Just waking up, spend 15 hours doing almost NOTHING of consequence, and then here my phone beep to let me know it's sleep time. This pattern has seldom deviated from and it seems as though every time I do deviate, while the activity feels great at the time, depending on the activity I might suffer for it for months. This routine is seldom broken and each time I try to and fail, anger, frustration, and sadness well up in me. I've been going through this stuff for more than a year now, How is that possible? Aside from this disease (and now the weight the cure has burdened me with) afflicting me on and off for the last two years, I've really been a relatively healthy person. It's just that when things go wrong, it seems a lot worse. When most people push them self to the limit, they get better and their body's get stronger., i have the exact opposite effect. My body absolutely fails and I regress. I get sick. I'm bedridden. Worst of all, I'm mentally annihilated.
But now... What I'm going through now is completely unprecedented. I've never had so people either say or imply the word 'setback' to me. Sometimes I become utterly frustrated with what seems to be the fact that every time I try and put a date on when I'm going to be at least feel well enough to go back to work, by body reminds me i'm not in charge. Nothing makes a recovering patient feel less in control this circumstance.
I guess my biggest worry is just when. When am I going to feel better? Everyone keeps warning me not to put any timelines and let my body heal at its own pace. I am also scolded about going back to work last year against better medical advice. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of seeing everyone else living and me just hanging around. Facebook has really destroyed me. I see everyone so happy. Spending time with their loved ones. Traveling to all different places. I WANT TO DO THAT stuff. I don't know, I guess I'm just losing hope. I'll have to find some somewhere. blurgh
