Invisible Borders: The Birth of Paulash

Not too many people that have met me in the last 10 years know this, but from the time I was born until the time I was about 20, I went by the name "Paul."  In fact, my name is supposed to be spelled Palash but my father decided to add that extra letter to make it easier for me to go by the name Paul and assimilate.  In a way, that name became a way for me to hide who I was.  When questioned about my ethnicity or culture, I would run behind it and hide.  I would proudly declare that I'm an "American" (Read: white) and that I happily rejected all that Indian stuff because ew they smell, they only eat curry, and they all have thick accents and don't speak English well enough.  I was prejudiced against my own people because I was afraid to be one of them.

When I was younger, I wasn't really accepted into the Indian cliques.  I grew up in a town that had an absolutely booming Indian population and because of that, most of the kids my age we all immigrants and all Gujurati.  For one reasons beyond my control, most of them didn't like me.  They used to say something to me in the halls at school and then giggle condescendingly  to themselves and whisper in a language that I didn't understand.  I never felt wanted by that group.  Growing up, I ignored this part of me and threw myself into trying to fit in with whatever group I could latch onto.  This took longer than you would think it did.  I had to wear many masks to try and only show the parts of me that I thought people would accept.  I used humor to deflect.  A few people saw through it (and are still my friends), but for the most part, people saw what I let them.

Paul had almost become a character.  A role I was playing in order be the person I thought they wanted me to be.  To be the person I thought I wanted to be.  I was almost 20 years old before I was comfortable enough to start peeling back the onion.  Funny enough, as I got more comfortable with this newest cast of characters, the people that ultimately would become my closest friends, something happened that would lead me to where I needed to be.  Something happened by chance that led me to me.  For the first time, I discovered the complete person and was happy, comfortable, and strong enough to embrace it.

So unbeknownst to me, one of my good friends referred to me as "Indian Paul," not to my face, but when he referred to me to others.  When I found out about I was incredibly offended.  He didn't mean any malice by it; it was just a way for him to distinguish me from any other Pauls that he might've known.  But to me, it represented everything that I had been hiding from.  It represented everything I had denied until then.  It was like a huge scar on my face.  I thought if I didn't talk about it, maybe no one would notice.  When I found out that I was being called Indian Paul, all the walls I had built up as a teenager crumbled.  In an instant, the very scar that I had been denying was my defining characteristic.

At the time, I was infuriated.  Out of some misguided spite, I asked everyone to call me by my real name.  It seemed less offensive to me than Indian Paul.  Just the word Indian was something I had grown to shun.  But of course, in retrospect, this moniker that I so abhorred became my liberation.  My friend (who today remains to be one of my best friends; my brother from another mother) had forced me to deal with my self image issues without even knowing what he had done.

After asking all my friends to use my given name, I realized my fear was my own.  Sure, they mumbled and grumbled about it at first but in the end, no one cared.  At all.  Not even one bit.  Armed with this knowledge, I started to let my inner desi out.  After about a ten year hiatus, I watched the Bollywood movie Kal Ho Naa Ho.  I cried.  Of course, I got over the usual notion that Bollywood movies are incredibly overdramatic (which they are) and I fast forwarded through most of the songs (which I eventually came to love) but in the end, I really came to love the story.  As a young boy, I used to watch these movies with my mom and I guess that romantic side of me was borne of these moments.  The transformation had officially begun.

I'm about 14 years into the experiment as Paulash and I have to say, I'm much happier than I was.  There's so much I've learned that I wish I could go back and tell to Paul.  So much about being yourself and not worrying about what other people think and that it's OK to be yourself, no matter what everyone else expects you to be.  Maybe then the internal conflict wouldn't have taken so long to quell.  Maybe my life would have involved less tumult.

Actually, you know what?  As much as I pine to go back and change things, I think maybe those battles were necessary to bring mere where I am right now.  Maybe I needed to go through that in order to really find out who I am and what I want to strive towards.  I guess I won't ever really know the answers to these questions, but what I do know is that right now, this place is where I want to and should be.  Not every day is puppy dogs and rainbows, but you know what?  Most of them are.  I may have not won every battle, but I've definitely won the war.

Anonymous Letters

I guess it's time that I let out a little passive-aggression.  Before I start, I just want to say that this is the first post that I'm using my new Bluetooth keyboard and tablet with and that ain't bad!

1.  Every day I worry that we are going to drift apart.  You've been such a huge part of my life that I don't know what I'd do without you.  I know that my fears are essentially baseless and that every time we see each other, I'm reassured of our mutual affection, but I don't get to see you.  There's power in that.  Your face is is something that is etched in my heart and the less I get to see it, the more my heart yearns for it.  I know that emoting isn't exactly your favorite thing in the world, but it's true.  As life slows down for both of us, I hope we don't leave each other behind.

2.  You know, this is my second time writing these anonymous letters and both times, it's really just to say things to you.  You are the reason I'm doing this nonsense in the first place.  The last draft, which I threw away, the words I wrote to you were very angry and visceral.  I think for a little bit I hated you.  Of course I've come to my senses.  I would never be able to hold a grudge against you.  Why?  Because I love you.  I have loved you for a long time.  I've loved you almost since we met.  I don't know why you have singled me out for this punishment, but I promise you that you've won.  I give up and please stop.  If you're treating me this way intentionally, you should know that you are leaving a scar on my very soul because you cut right through me and that's how much I love you.  All I asked of you is to be my friend.  That's all I wanted.  I would walk through a fire for you and you can't tell me happy birthday.  Please stop, please tell me what I did wrong, please let me explain.  I miss you.

3.  And you.  Oh you.  I don't know.  I just never thought I'd get this opportunity.  I never thought I'd get a chance to prove myself to you.  Of course, I would prefer not to be in this specific situation, but since we're in the shit right now, I hope you know that I'm behind you 100%.  Whether I think you're right, wrong, up, or down, I'll follow you into the dark.  I know you're not exactly used to it, but I promise you that you can lean on me as much as you need to and I will prop you up to the best of my ability.  When I was going through my shit almost a decade ago, it was YOU that called that meeting at the diner and asked how you could help and it took ten years, but here I am at your disposal.  I hope that you understand that and maybe let me in a little bit. It doesn't always seem like it, but be assured that our circle is tighter and stronger than it's ever been and if you have trouble or are burdened, trust me and us to help in any way we can.  We're not here just for the good times, we're here for bad and the ugly.  It's not our prerogative, it's our duty and we're happy to do it.

4.  Just fuck you, OK?  Seriously.  I'm so so glad that you are where you are just so we can transition you out of our lives.  You got your position so close and you just wasted it being so selfish.  Contrary to popular belief, the universe does NOT revolve around you and sometimes, you've gotta give a little in a friendship.  But what would you know of that?  I don't know what in this world made you so damn selfish and so inconsiderate to people that are so so SO loyal to you, but it's disgusting.  The sooner we phase you out, the better we are.  We've already got a candidate to fill your shoes and that person has been doing fantastic and actually deserves our loyalty.  The less we get to see of you, the better.  I'm hoping one day you're nothing but a holiday card.

5.  You're my sanity right now.  I don't talk to you enough.  I don't see you enough.  I don't get enough one on one time.  Nothing.  But the time we do spend talking or spending time with each other is rejuvenating.  I'm glad that we have a relationship that allows us to sit down and really talk.  Yeah, when the lights are shining bright, we're the performers, but I'm glad that we can do it when the stage is closed as well.  When you were here last and we were able to sit and talk, I swear it felt like I took a brick off my shoulder.  I know that we're both dealing with some unpleasant situations right now and I'm glad that we can cut through the fog, sit down, and really discuss things with each other.  You are as close to Tom Hagan as anyone in my life.

6.  You're the battery that recharges my soul.  I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am that you've been allotting so much of your free time to spend with me.  I know that you have very adult responsibilities and I understand that your free time is so precious but that's what makes me as grateful as I am.  When you and I are together doing what we do, I'm telling you, it feels like I'm living my dream.  I wish we could do more of it and have it be more serious, but even still, what we accomplish together is absolute ambrosia for my soul and I thank you.  I know that you don't always get the loudest kudos, but you and everything you bring is an absolute pillar of my life.  I hope that as my health improves, I can travel more and we can maybe take our project to the next level, maybe.  Then I would really be able to say that you helped make my dreams come true. 

7.  I feel like sometimes you get lost in my life.  Most people's lives have a pyramid of friendship where their lesser acquaintances are in great number and their closer friends are less numerous with it ultimately culminating at the top with one best friend.  By virtue of some odd stroke of luck, my life seems to be the reciprocal.  The space at the top of the pyramid is crowded with people that I would walk through a fire for because I know they'd do the same for me.  I don't know if I make it as abundantly clear as I should as to your position on this upside down pyramid.  I assure you, you occupy the absolute top tier.  I just feel like because I have so many people I hold so dear, you might not get your time in the sun.  The truth of the matter is, out of all the people in my life, I find you to be the most inspiring.  When I feel as though the walls are caving in around me, I'm always reminded of the strength and humanity you have in dealing with your own difficult situations.  You are the kind of person that books should be written about.  You're not just a great friend, you're kind of my hero.  And not just because we mix our pudding together.

8.  I really don't know how you sleep at night.  Honestly.  Most of all, I feel betrayed.  I feel betrayed of all the things that were instilled in me as a child.  All the things I thought you shared with me.  You have revealed yourself to be little more than a charlatan.  It's all an act that you put on.  I knew that you pretended to be a better person in the presence of others, but I didn't think you practiced such deception with me.  With everyone.  We were supposed to stick together no matter what.  Put our heads together in times of crisis.  That's not you, anymore.  You are always looking at the clock.  Always looking for when you've put in what you think is a days work and when you can check out and get back to what you want to do.  Sometimes, the situation requires more of you.  Sometimes the shit hits the fan and you need to put in overtime.  That's what love is.  And that's what I thought you taught me.  Of everything, I think the worst thing you did was pit me against someone who should have been close to me my whole life.  For as long as I can remember, you played us against each other so that you could always be the shining star.  The hero.  Well guess what?  We both got a peek behind the curtain and we know that you're not the real wizard.  If you feel powerless now with us, it's because we are united.  We have the relationship that we should have had right from the start, despite you trying to insure otherwise.  I struggle every day with the fact that the less I see you, the better off we are.  That's not because we don't want you around, but it's because we can't live in your world anymore.  Your world isn't real and it never was.  When you recognize reality, then you are welcome to join us.  Until then, get used to arm's length.

9.   Uhm.  Wow.  Talk about a roller coaster.  I've been called dramatic and over emotional, but you take the cake.  I get that you have your own issues, but much of your problems are really just you looking for attention.  Not only that, but you're setting records for selfishness.  I have yet to meet someone your age that has so little regard for anyone.  I don't think I've EVER met someone so concerned with controlling the story.  I hope you get it soon.  I hope you learn that everyone around you can't constantly be the pawns in your delusion.  We have to contend with the real world and don't always have the time to fight your fantasies.