Where did it go wrong? part 1

Is it because you weren't in our wedding party?  I know that I played a very special part in your wedding, but how could I?  It broke my heart to not have you there.  It broke me.  What could I do, though?  Anita is the person that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and you made absolutely no effort to make any kind of connection with her.  That last phone call I had with you a week or so before the wedding when you asked me what part you would take in the wedding.  You called me just so you could be angry with me.  It was a week before my wedding, don't you think you would've gotten a little bit more advance notice than that?  Maybe the fact that your husband was in my wedding party and had to attend a lot of pre-wedding events could've been a little hint?  No.  You had to call me just so I would have to say that you weren't going to play a larger part in the wedding. 

My question is why?  WHY?  What did I do to deserve such ire?  I loved you so much.  It's been more than 5 years since we've been real friends and I still love you.  It's been more than 2 years since you absolute insulted and spit on our friendship and I can't stop.  I just can't.  I've tried so fucking hard to hate you.  I can't.  I fail every time.  Every time I ask your ex how you're doing I try and sound as nonchalant as possible but half of me wants to beg him to ask you to just call me once.  

I don't understand how you can be mad at me for not being included in my wife's wedding party when you probably didn't say more than 10 sentences to her in the 3 years we were together before the wedding.  How does that work?  You know why the other girls were included?  Because they had a relationship with her.  That's how it works.  Do you know how bad I wanted you to be a part of that?  But what could I do?  You'd taken yourself completely out of my life so you could enjoy the solitude of your own island.

Well guess what?  Sometimes when you sit on your own island, you end up being surrounded by nothing but water.

But really, the wedding was really just the culmination of a festering illness.  But that'll have to be another late night rant.

Anonymous Letters

I guess it's time that I let out a little passive-aggression.  Before I start, I just want to say that this is the first post that I'm using my new Bluetooth keyboard and tablet with and that ain't bad!

1.  Every day I worry that we are going to drift apart.  You've been such a huge part of my life that I don't know what I'd do without you.  I know that my fears are essentially baseless and that every time we see each other, I'm reassured of our mutual affection, but I don't get to see you.  There's power in that.  Your face is is something that is etched in my heart and the less I get to see it, the more my heart yearns for it.  I know that emoting isn't exactly your favorite thing in the world, but it's true.  As life slows down for both of us, I hope we don't leave each other behind.

2.  You know, this is my second time writing these anonymous letters and both times, it's really just to say things to you.  You are the reason I'm doing this nonsense in the first place.  The last draft, which I threw away, the words I wrote to you were very angry and visceral.  I think for a little bit I hated you.  Of course I've come to my senses.  I would never be able to hold a grudge against you.  Why?  Because I love you.  I have loved you for a long time.  I've loved you almost since we met.  I don't know why you have singled me out for this punishment, but I promise you that you've won.  I give up and please stop.  If you're treating me this way intentionally, you should know that you are leaving a scar on my very soul because you cut right through me and that's how much I love you.  All I asked of you is to be my friend.  That's all I wanted.  I would walk through a fire for you and you can't tell me happy birthday.  Please stop, please tell me what I did wrong, please let me explain.  I miss you.

3.  And you.  Oh you.  I don't know.  I just never thought I'd get this opportunity.  I never thought I'd get a chance to prove myself to you.  Of course, I would prefer not to be in this specific situation, but since we're in the shit right now, I hope you know that I'm behind you 100%.  Whether I think you're right, wrong, up, or down, I'll follow you into the dark.  I know you're not exactly used to it, but I promise you that you can lean on me as much as you need to and I will prop you up to the best of my ability.  When I was going through my shit almost a decade ago, it was YOU that called that meeting at the diner and asked how you could help and it took ten years, but here I am at your disposal.  I hope that you understand that and maybe let me in a little bit. It doesn't always seem like it, but be assured that our circle is tighter and stronger than it's ever been and if you have trouble or are burdened, trust me and us to help in any way we can.  We're not here just for the good times, we're here for bad and the ugly.  It's not our prerogative, it's our duty and we're happy to do it.

4.  Just fuck you, OK?  Seriously.  I'm so so glad that you are where you are just so we can transition you out of our lives.  You got your position so close and you just wasted it being so selfish.  Contrary to popular belief, the universe does NOT revolve around you and sometimes, you've gotta give a little in a friendship.  But what would you know of that?  I don't know what in this world made you so damn selfish and so inconsiderate to people that are so so SO loyal to you, but it's disgusting.  The sooner we phase you out, the better we are.  We've already got a candidate to fill your shoes and that person has been doing fantastic and actually deserves our loyalty.  The less we get to see of you, the better.  I'm hoping one day you're nothing but a holiday card.

5.  You're my sanity right now.  I don't talk to you enough.  I don't see you enough.  I don't get enough one on one time.  Nothing.  But the time we do spend talking or spending time with each other is rejuvenating.  I'm glad that we have a relationship that allows us to sit down and really talk.  Yeah, when the lights are shining bright, we're the performers, but I'm glad that we can do it when the stage is closed as well.  When you were here last and we were able to sit and talk, I swear it felt like I took a brick off my shoulder.  I know that we're both dealing with some unpleasant situations right now and I'm glad that we can cut through the fog, sit down, and really discuss things with each other.  You are as close to Tom Hagan as anyone in my life.

6.  You're the battery that recharges my soul.  I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am that you've been allotting so much of your free time to spend with me.  I know that you have very adult responsibilities and I understand that your free time is so precious but that's what makes me as grateful as I am.  When you and I are together doing what we do, I'm telling you, it feels like I'm living my dream.  I wish we could do more of it and have it be more serious, but even still, what we accomplish together is absolute ambrosia for my soul and I thank you.  I know that you don't always get the loudest kudos, but you and everything you bring is an absolute pillar of my life.  I hope that as my health improves, I can travel more and we can maybe take our project to the next level, maybe.  Then I would really be able to say that you helped make my dreams come true. 

7.  I feel like sometimes you get lost in my life.  Most people's lives have a pyramid of friendship where their lesser acquaintances are in great number and their closer friends are less numerous with it ultimately culminating at the top with one best friend.  By virtue of some odd stroke of luck, my life seems to be the reciprocal.  The space at the top of the pyramid is crowded with people that I would walk through a fire for because I know they'd do the same for me.  I don't know if I make it as abundantly clear as I should as to your position on this upside down pyramid.  I assure you, you occupy the absolute top tier.  I just feel like because I have so many people I hold so dear, you might not get your time in the sun.  The truth of the matter is, out of all the people in my life, I find you to be the most inspiring.  When I feel as though the walls are caving in around me, I'm always reminded of the strength and humanity you have in dealing with your own difficult situations.  You are the kind of person that books should be written about.  You're not just a great friend, you're kind of my hero.  And not just because we mix our pudding together.

8.  I really don't know how you sleep at night.  Honestly.  Most of all, I feel betrayed.  I feel betrayed of all the things that were instilled in me as a child.  All the things I thought you shared with me.  You have revealed yourself to be little more than a charlatan.  It's all an act that you put on.  I knew that you pretended to be a better person in the presence of others, but I didn't think you practiced such deception with me.  With everyone.  We were supposed to stick together no matter what.  Put our heads together in times of crisis.  That's not you, anymore.  You are always looking at the clock.  Always looking for when you've put in what you think is a days work and when you can check out and get back to what you want to do.  Sometimes, the situation requires more of you.  Sometimes the shit hits the fan and you need to put in overtime.  That's what love is.  And that's what I thought you taught me.  Of everything, I think the worst thing you did was pit me against someone who should have been close to me my whole life.  For as long as I can remember, you played us against each other so that you could always be the shining star.  The hero.  Well guess what?  We both got a peek behind the curtain and we know that you're not the real wizard.  If you feel powerless now with us, it's because we are united.  We have the relationship that we should have had right from the start, despite you trying to insure otherwise.  I struggle every day with the fact that the less I see you, the better off we are.  That's not because we don't want you around, but it's because we can't live in your world anymore.  Your world isn't real and it never was.  When you recognize reality, then you are welcome to join us.  Until then, get used to arm's length.

9.   Uhm.  Wow.  Talk about a roller coaster.  I've been called dramatic and over emotional, but you take the cake.  I get that you have your own issues, but much of your problems are really just you looking for attention.  Not only that, but you're setting records for selfishness.  I have yet to meet someone your age that has so little regard for anyone.  I don't think I've EVER met someone so concerned with controlling the story.  I hope you get it soon.  I hope you learn that everyone around you can't constantly be the pawns in your delusion.  We have to contend with the real world and don't always have the time to fight your fantasies.

Everyone has a sad story. It doesn't excuse anything.

I've always been able to brush things off.  Everything.  At least, I've always been able to push things to the back of my mind and brood on it when I'm alone listening to the angry music I thought I gave up on long ago.    I've had my share of problems.  I've made my share of mistakes.  I've seen my share of curve balls.  Every single situation, I've dealt with and moved on in one way or another.  From bad breakups that cost me friendships to problems growing up without a real father figure to looking for attention in all the wrong ways.

I'm fucking 2+ years out from this stupid bone marrow transplant and it still defines almost EVERYTHING I do.  I just spent a weekend with 2 of my absolute best friends in the world and I had to sleep for the equivalent of an ENTIRE DAY just to regain my strength.  What did we do that was so taxing on my body?  Oh, just walked around a museum.  Went out to eat.  Argued baseball with strangers. In bed around midnight.  Crazy, right?  When is this going to end?  People tell me to revel in the small victories I have here or there but what?! How?  How can I do this when I expected so much more? How can I do this when I want so much more?

Everyone tells me to compartmentalize, great advice.  Now try it.  Seriously.  Try and separate yourself from something that rules your life.  Imagine having a shitty job with an absolutely shitty commute that pays a great salary.  Is money going to fix the fact that at least 5 days a week you're in hell? If you were looking for another job, wouldn't those factors come into play?  The difference with me is that I don't have another choice.  This is all I got. My entire existence is ruled by this thing.  This decision everyone and I made a long time ago.  We all thought it would be over now.  We all thought I'd be back to me.  I'm told to "just realize I'm living a different impermanent existence".  To blame the disease and not myself.  You know what?  It's not that easy.  How long is impermanent impermanent?  This is going on TWO YEARS of issues.  TWO YEARS? If you stick a needle in someone's arm, at some point no matter what they're going to become an addict.

You know what's funny?  During this recent Presidential election season, we were bombarded with slogans demonizing so-called "takers" and societal "moothers".  When do I fall into this category?  What does the clock start ticking?  When do the whispers start among my family friends that I'm somehow milking this?  When does public opinion sour, if it hasn't already.  How fast do I have to run to get away from that?  How many pills much I swallow every day to avoid the jagged little pill of the inevitable backlash.  I see everyone's lives progressing without me and I hate it.  I hate it to the point where I decided I need a little break from social media.  Seeing everyone else be so happy without me can't be good for my psyche.  I don't know.  This is so difficult.

Maybe I'm just over exaggerating.  It's just so hard to live each day without feeling helpless and shame.  Unfortunately, I'm afraid this might never end and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it.

Feeble

I feel stuck.  I feel caught.  I feel stagnant.  A few months ago, I'd have several weeks surrounding a few days where I "crash".  My body gets so worn out that I basically can't move to even get out of bed.  Normally, they would last a day, maybe 2 at most.  Well, the latest crash that I've been trying to get over has lasted more than a week.  We're almost ten days into it.

Talk about an effing setback.  For the last 10 days, I've LITERALLY slept 10+ hours each night except for one night that I was was awake almost THE ENTIRE night just writhing in pain.  February 11, 2013 will officially mark the 2nd anniversary of my transplant.  If someone had told me I'd still be this deep in shit, I think I might have reconsidered it at the outset.

I was nervous a few months ago when I met the lady that said she was 3 years deep and still experiencing some complications.  Is this what's in store for me?  Every time I think I'm healthy for anything, I feel like I'm yanked back to square one or even pulled back BEYOND the starting line.  The worst part is, I don't, NO ONE knows how to make this any better.  Everyone just keeps dropping obligatory words of encouragement while muttering under their breath that they think I am somehow milking this.  I wish I could trade places with those people for just ONE WEEK.  Just so they might know an inch of the hell I have to go through.

No, that's not fair.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.