There’s always some reason to feel not good enough

So, Anita and I don't have television right now.  About a year ago, I convinced my mother to switch to Directv (she had previously had Dish) to get their Bengali channels (and finally open me up to some freaking sports channels).  She didn't realize what she was doing and that I was basically manipulating her because I can't  live without sports.  Turns out, she fell in love with the Bengali channel, I got my sports fix (minus my boy Scott Hanson  & NFL Red Zone) and everything worked out well.  Anita and I had a DVR and we watched all our cooking shows and we lived a regular TV life just like everyone else.

Then a few weeks ago, absolute disaster strikes.  DirecTV sends my mom a cordial letter saying that they will be canceling her beloved Bengali channels and basically forcing her to go back to The Dish Network aka the Sports Dearth Network (though they do have the ever coveted Red Zone).  My mom made the switch and didn't even bother getting us a receiver because we're going to be out of here (and into our own place!!!) in just a few weeks.

How have we been getting our TV fix?  Well, I listen to Yankees games on the radio or on my phone whenever possible and we are basically Netflix addicts right now.   We're watching both Mad Men and Lost at the same time.  I have to say, Lost is kind of losing me with this "Others" story, but Mad Men is ridiculous.  Don Draper is what a man should be. 

Why did I tell you all this?  For really no reason than to recall a scene from lost where Jack Shephard has a tatto on his arm translated.  It says, "He walks among us, but he is not one of us".  That is basically how I feel right now.  Somewhere in the midst of my recovery, I've become stagnant.  I'm not really getting any worse, but I'm not really getting any better.  And it's frustrating.  It's frustrating to feel *THIS* tired ALL the time.  It's frustrating to want to do something, ANYTHING, but not have the willpower to do it.  It's frustrating to have my friends and family all progressing with their lives while I feel I'm stuck. 

Even when I get to see them, it feels so hollow.  I basically cannot exert any normal amount of energy without serious repercussions.  I was at a good friend of mine's 30th birthday party this past weekend and did ONE line dance and my heart rate skyrocketed to the point where I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.  What's worse is that I pulled attention away from the party and a few people (thankfully) huddled around me and just stayed with me to make sure I was alright.  Of course, Anita the stalwart is there to bring me back to me.

This wasn't even the most egregious of my errors.  Not even close.  That was but momentary.  One of me best friends in the world and her husband had a beautiful baby boy a few weeks ago.  I've been looking forward to this kid since I heard about him back in January.  I wanted to be there the second he showed his wrinkled face (and huge feet!) to the world and I completely fumbled the ball.  I didn't get to see him for an entire week.  I had been feeling so sick that week and I kept seeing Facebook posts of her family and the baby and I just didn't want to bring them down with my womp womp wooooomp.  It took a text message from my friend to remind me how long we've been friends and that I'd better get my ass over there (thank you, by the way) and see this kid.  I cried when I got that text message.  When I read it, it kind of snapped me back to myself for the briefest of moments and I felt good again.  For the briefest of seconds I was Paulash... The good friend.  Paulash, the guy who is there for his loved ones.

The list goes on.  My friend had a 30th birthday blowout at a club in DC and I had to con and scheme to make sure Anita went and had a good time because I didn't have the energy to go out that night and I didn't want to ruin her night.

It's absolutely ridiculous and it makes me so angry with myself.  I'm can't gain any sort of traction at work because I can't keep up anymore because I'm tired ALL the time can am having REALLY serious trouble focusing.  Sometimes, I'm amazed I can recall the things that  I do there.

This is just the lead up to this:  I am scared shitless for my wedding.  Will I have the stamina for it?  Am I going to be the one to ruin my own wedding by having to leave early to sleep?  I think about this all the time. I also have a bachelor party to go to in Canada for Labor Day Weekend.  How am I going to get through all this and survive?  The last time I had a moderately busy weekend, I was immobile for one day and I could barely move the next.  The last thing I want to do is ruin Anita's day.  If anyone on this planet has earned the most perfect wedding, it's her.  I just don't know if I'm going to be able to deliver.

I keep thinking to myself, alright.. There's 2 months left to the wedding, that's plenty of time for me to get back to me.  Nope.  Alright, 1 month until the wedding.  Plenty of time for me to get back to me.  Nope.  We're now at the 4 week mark and I can't sleep because I took my medication too late and it's keeping me up.  What does that mean?  I'm shot for the ENTIRE weekend (not that the hurricane is going to allow for any movement, anyway).  I won't have the energy to do ANYTHING.  But at least I will have put all my thoughts into words, right?

Here’s to hoping I find the strength to do the things I need to do to make the next few weeks as easy and as wonderful and as joyous as Anita has been hoping for them to be.