Yeah, I'm going to give it another go.

So, I think me forcing myself to try and write in certain time intervals has caused much of the writer's block that has plagued me over the last few months. Yes, I'm arrogant enough to say that I have writer's block. Do you people not know me at all?  I think in the future, I'm going to write just whenever I feel like it and not try and confine myself to a timeline.  It's my blog anyway, right?  Like three people read it besides me and that's only because I email it to them whenever I post.

Anyway, I'm here. I'm alive. I've survived a bone marrow transplant from this past February. I should rephrase that.  I'm in the process of The recovery has been so difficult, there are times that I LITERALLY cannot force myself out of bed. My hands are so unsteady and shake like a drunk's (and i can't even drink!) from all the immunosuppressive drugs. Right now, the graft vs. host disease is manifesting itself basically all over my forehead and has moved over my eyelids. I basically CONSTANTLY have a burning sensation on my face. This morning, I couldn't open my right eye until I tore the dry skin from my face. I'm so tired I can't spend time with my loved ones at times. But you know what? I'm alive. When I think about what it was like BEFORE I had this transplant, being admitted for this or that every two weeks or so, I'm thankful that I'm going through THIS instead of that. While it makes it easier to mentally deal with it, the physical ramifications are still absurdly difficult.

So where am I in the world?  I'm still living with my mom.  Yep.  It's true.  I can actually hear you snickering through the internet.  But you know what?  Without everything that my mom did, I don't think I'd be here right now.  Same goes for my sister and of course, I'm still confused as to how my wonderful  pre wife Anita puts up with all this nonsense.  My mother and sister are certainly bound by blood and love, but Anita is solely bound by the latter, and I can honestly say that it makes her the most wonderful person in my world.  I'm not sure if the situation were reversed, I'd be able to go through what she has had to endure and that makes her a much better person than me.  All of them.  My mom, from having us basically squatting in her house so that I can have better access to my doctors for next to no cost, I mean, I know she's my mother, but even that pushes the boundaries of what parents should do for their children.  And I think the best part in all of this is how much it has rekindled...  Hell, KINDLED the relationship between my sister and myself.  We were never very good friends and going through all of this REALLY pulled us ALL together.  I've never really felt close to my sister since I was an infant and I think I've been searching for that connection since.  Sometimes in other people.  I have so many female friends that I treat like my sister because I missed *this*.  I'm glad that in the end, it actually ended being my sister that I love like my sister.  Of course, the relationships I've forged over the years with the women (and the men, too) that continue to be in my life are absolutely irreplaceable to me, but that's a story for another time.  

What about love?  It's of course, Anita. It's all about Anita. I honestly don't know how she does it.  She's lived her life with such health and vigor, how does she deal with me?  Right now, I'm basically allergic to the sun.  Heat is my kryptonite.  I would say that one out of every three times her and I make plans to do something, my health becomes an obstacle.  Just this past weekend we drove down to DC to celebrate our friend Sharon's 30th birthday.  The first night I was OK.  We went out to eat at a swanky Indian restaurant and then to a wine bar.  By the time we got to the wine bar, I could barely keep my eyes open (I had been up since 5:45am).  The next morning, I was shot.  The plan was to go out to the VIP room in a club and dance the night away.  I never even made it out to the club.  Anita and Sharon went out to get their hair done and do whatever girls do when they're together (I'm assuming this is strip down to their underwear and have pillow fights) while Rob and I sat back, watched a little baseball and went out to eat at Ray's Hellburger.  I didn't say anything to anyone at the time, but I was fighting with myself to get things done.  My legs were kind of achy and my chest felt tired.  Well, by the time we got back from the burger joint (which was AWESOME BTW), I fell asleep.  Rob had to wake me up TWICE because I had dozed off as many times.  I didn't even make it to the club.  I got dressed, looked at myself at the mirror trying to conjure up some last bit of strength for one night of normalcy and I got nothing.  I sat down on the couch, again trying to sum up some untapped reserve of energy and found nothing.  I told Rob that I didn't want to go because I didn't want there to be a health related incident and I didn't want to ruin anyone's evening.  It absolutely SUCKS that I have to think in these terms, now.  I did have a bit of a hero moment, though.  Rob wanted to know what to do about Anita, who knew nothing of this.  I told him that I didn't want her to know until he got out there to her and it was too late for her to do anything but go out with everyone.  I just wanted her to have a night out to enjoy herself and not have to tether herself and play nursemaid to me.  Trust me, if anyone's earned a night in the VIP room, it's Anita.  I just don't know how she does it.  Sometimes I feel like I'm stifling her youth and ruining her life by holding her back and I don't know how to get beyond it.  It's mentally paralyzing.  I can't say it enough, Anita is an absolutely wonderful person and a much MUCH better person than me. 

What am I up to?  I've rejoined my job.  Yep.  Well, sort of I guess.  Right now, I'm working part time in the office and part time from home.  It kind of sucks, but I don't have the endurance to be able to make the drive to work every day.  And speaking of job, my word have they been accommodating.  I'm not sure if it's solely because I'm protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act, but almost EVERYONE has been super understanding with what I can and can't accomplish and has been basically bending over backwards.  From my immediate boss all the way to the top (and includes other departments).  They even got me gifts!  People from my job!  Mike came to visit me one day at the house and he brought with him MLB '11 The Show as well as a gift card provided by many of my colleagues and coworkers FROM OTHER DEPARTMENTS.  When he handed me the gifts, I had to struggle for a bit to fight back the tears (which was greeting by Mike scolding me for crying and declaring, "Really?  You're gonna cry?  Really?...  It's just his way).  And while we're on the subject of Mike, has there ever been a person that has shot up the ranks of people in my life so quickly?  I've never forged such a great friendship in such a short amount of time, especially when I have to deal with work stuff with them.  It's absolutely incredible.  Let me say it this way:  The number one non-family related hospital memory for me will always be when Tom drove down to see me last minute when Chrissy was afraid that she was too sick to see me.  Tom came drove down BY HIMSELF basically on a whim.  I was rude enough to fall asleep on him a couple of times and he has YET to complain.  But my number two memory?  Mike drove down to Philadelphia WITH HIS ENTIRE FAMILY.  It was absolutely incredible.  His wife, his father, his sister, and his wonderful mother ALL came down to visit me. THERE ARE PICTURES! I mean, who does that for their coworker?  Mike's an incredible friend with an incredible family and I'm glad to know him.  Anyway, I digress.  I have been trying to get my footing back at work and it's been a bit difficult.  It's funny, I've been at this company for 4 years... The first three and a half, almost NOTHING changed.  I'm out for six months fighting for my life and EVERY department decides to up and change EVERY aspect of their tasks.  While I struggled to catch up the learning curve, I think (especially with what I'm going through) I've gotten to a place where I'm at least comfortable with my amount of knowledge.  Now if I can just regain my credibility (or gain it in the first place) and show up with some sort of consistency (I've already had to call out twice with GVHD related complications).  I'm hoping that with their continued support and as I continue to heal, I can get back to being my former productive self.  Hopefully.

and finally and most importantly, what am I looking forward to?  It's simple; EVERYTHING.  Before I had my stem cell transplant, I couldn't plan ANY part of my life.  I was living ER trip to ER trip.  Any time my life gained any head of steam, it would abruptly be derailed by some medical disaster that could and has set me back in terms of years.  This always loomed over me in everything that I did.  There were periods of my life in which I became obsessed with whether or not I would make it beyond 35.  All of that is behind me now.  While the recovery feels difficult, I'm full of  hope.  Maybe for the first time in a decade.  In the short term, I"m really REALLY looking forward to OUR WEDDING!  I can't believe it's less than two months away!!  It feels as though we were just going around looking for a place to have the damn thing!  And now... I just can't wait!  What an amazing celebration it will be to wed the one I love in the company of the people I love to begin a life that I didn't know I could have.  I know you might think I've had a bad break, but I've got an awful lot to look forward to.