Vanity

I know as a man that I shouldn't be caught dead saying something like this, but I just have to be honest.  My weight and the changes in my appearance are bothering me.  The funny thing is, my overall WEIGHT hasn't changed, but the way the medication is affecting me, where I carry said weight has changed.  In fact, a few aspects of my appearance have changed every time I look in the mirror, I just don't look like me.  So, to bring everyone up to speed... I don't LOOK like me.. I don't FEEL like me.. I stopped acting like me a long time ago... Am I still me?  Am I still home? 

I have these terrible dark circles around my eyes.  Not like bags or things that you hear most high school girls complain about, but these DEEP, DARK circles that make me look a bit ghostly.. I can't get rid of them and it's starting to dawn on me that I may never and they'll always be here.  My doctor warned me that the medication I'm on would transfer more weight to my face, especially since he more than doubled it a few weeks ago.  I didn't think it would be so dramatic and so quick.  I feel so vain and so stupid for even writing about this, but I mean...

What's worse is that I have basically nothing to do but sit here at home and sulk.  I'm not well enough to really do anything and the one time I was encouraged by my doctor to exert myself and spend some time with my friends, I paid for it in bed for about 4 days straight.  The treatment path I'm on right now is long and ardous.  Since it involves draining me of blood, I have to wait 2 weeks between each session to allow for my body to recover from the last blood letting.  That leaves me with nothing but time to sit at home and stare at myself and how completely alien I have become. 

It's amazing what a sport I've made of NOT looking at myself in the mirror.  I didn't notice it until today when I was using my webcam and I saw myself in detail for the first time in a looooooong time.  I was seriously ashamed and a little appalled.  It was so shocking and jarring that I ran to the bathroom to change what I could.  Unfortunately, there were no answers in the medicine cabinet. 

I feel sense of self slipping away each day.  I never thought saving my life would take me so far away from me.