Where did it go wrong? part 1

Is it because you weren't in our wedding party?  I know that I played a very special part in your wedding, but how could I?  It broke my heart to not have you there.  It broke me.  What could I do, though?  Anita is the person that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and you made absolutely no effort to make any kind of connection with her.  That last phone call I had with you a week or so before the wedding when you asked me what part you would take in the wedding.  You called me just so you could be angry with me.  It was a week before my wedding, don't you think you would've gotten a little bit more advance notice than that?  Maybe the fact that your husband was in my wedding party and had to attend a lot of pre-wedding events could've been a little hint?  No.  You had to call me just so I would have to say that you weren't going to play a larger part in the wedding. 

My question is why?  WHY?  What did I do to deserve such ire?  I loved you so much.  It's been more than 5 years since we've been real friends and I still love you.  It's been more than 2 years since you absolute insulted and spit on our friendship and I can't stop.  I just can't.  I've tried so fucking hard to hate you.  I can't.  I fail every time.  Every time I ask your ex how you're doing I try and sound as nonchalant as possible but half of me wants to beg him to ask you to just call me once.  

I don't understand how you can be mad at me for not being included in my wife's wedding party when you probably didn't say more than 10 sentences to her in the 3 years we were together before the wedding.  How does that work?  You know why the other girls were included?  Because they had a relationship with her.  That's how it works.  Do you know how bad I wanted you to be a part of that?  But what could I do?  You'd taken yourself completely out of my life so you could enjoy the solitude of your own island.

Well guess what?  Sometimes when you sit on your own island, you end up being surrounded by nothing but water.

But really, the wedding was really just the culmination of a festering illness.  But that'll have to be another late night rant.

Take it easy, Tiger

So, I've been wondering for a really long time as to why I know longer derive as much  joy as I used to when I was younger. And I think I just found out why.

I'm sitting on a train headed towards Newark to watch the Devils play the Blues and to pass the time, I was reading an ebook I had gotten for my wife. It is the Mindy Kaling book and after reading a few pages, I finally realized my problem. I have been taking myself way too fucking seriously. Holy shit! Ever since I got sick, I've been so lost in my own head and trying to make every word count, I forgot that not everything has to be some huge revelation or some catharsis for some crime committed against me from 20 years ago. I can't believe I've been so stuck up that I don't think mundane topics are worth blogging about. Who the hell am I? No one cares that I write here and my only audience really is my wife and a couple of friends. Take it easy, Paulash. You are not and have never been this serious.