It happens to us all, right? We can’t all keep up our guard ALL the time; every once in a while, we trip and fall.
Oh Papa Bear… You’ll be the end of us all!
My group of friends holds a reunion every year in January so that we all know that we all TRY to get together at least ONCE a year. Not everyone can always make it, but it’s the effort that counts. This year, it’s felt kind of special because it’s going to be my first big night out since I’ve been sick and I really REALLY wanted to spend it with everyone. Needless to say, I’ve really REALLY looking forward to it. /end understatement
I have been harping about this all week. Let me stop lying, I’ve been going on about this damn outing ALL MONTH! TO EVERYONE! There is not a soul that knows me (or follows me via twitter/FB) that doesn’t know what this thing means to me this Saturday. FREEDOM! FRIENDS! FUCKING KARAOKE! What more could I ask for?
Well, last night, around 9:00, I got an email from Steve Figurelli (aka Balls) saying that he’s glad that I’m recommitted to watching 24, and that he and Alicia would not be able to attend. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that out of nowhere, the Figurellis backed out LAST MINUTE. Steve is KING of karaoke and Alicia is one of my best friends. In fact, Alicia has probably been taking the brunt of my jabbering on and on for the past month. She KNEW how excited I was and she KNOWS how important it is TO ME that they both attend. And of course, I’ve almost NEVER known ALICIA of all people to back out last minute. I was even in a situation once where EVERYONE ELSE (literally) backed out of a party once AND SHE SHOWED UP even though she said she wasn’t going to be able to attend. She’s ALWAYS been clutch like that. Ugh.
Oh, and the reason. The reason just made me angry. Frustrated. LIVID. Why? The “Bold and Fresh” tour was coming to NJ on the same night and they both just HAVE to attend. Really? Our big reunion, MY big return to the nightlife was being marginalized for BILL FUCKING O’REILLY? I was so sad and so mad at the same time. I could not let go of the feeling that we LOST to BILL FUCKING O’REILLY. I mean, if they were to ever nominate a king for all douches in the US, he’d have to be right at the top of the shortlist, wouldn’t he? The man defines a word every day on his program to add to the vocabulary for his audience… For his ADULT audience! WTF?!?! This ain’t romper room, asshole! GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE NEWS AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! And it’s THIS arrogant prick that we lost out to?
I was so damn upset that I dreamt about Bill O’Reilly. I shit you not. Last night, I dreamt that I was arguing with Steve and Alicia that he’s really not that big of a deal and that he’s not even as adamant a conservative as he in on The O’Reilly Factor and in his interviews and he really just hams it up for the camera. The despair in my voice and the conviction of my argument are STILL so vivid in my head. And you know what happened next? To prove to them that he’s really not the conservative cheerleader that they think he is and are willing to skip out on a set of their friends for, I INTERVIEWED BILL O’REILLY IN MY DREAM!? WHAT.THE.EFF!!
I woke up and I felt even worse (BTW – my interview in my dream proved me right… thank you very much). I knew that at some point I would have to talk to Alicia. Of course, I didn’t want to let on how sad/frustrated I was because I didn’t want to start any problems nor did I want to feel like they were OBLIGATED to go to our reunion (but really, they are… As is everyone else!). I contemplated avoiding her all day on GChat as to not have any confrontations. Of course, Alicia sends me a message around 11:00am asking if I want to “be a fan of her company’s trade show” on facebook. Really? This pissed me off EVEN MORE. After the email that her husband sent last night, the first thing she wants to talk to me about is her being a fan of her trade show? I mean? Can a brotha get a “sorry we’re completely dissing you guys last minute for the biggest douchehole in the entire world?” OR something close to that? A little something? Anything. I actually had to wait a minute before I responded because I had to untangle my emotions and get a hold of myself before I typed in “You guys are big jerks for leaving us flat for Bill fucking O’Reilly and his stupid idiotic book tour”. So, after about a minute, I wrote to her, “I feel really sad that we’re being marginalized for Bill O’Douchy.”
Now, Alicia and I have been friends for maybe 15 years (she was even the first girl I had a crush on!) and you would not BELIEVE the audacity of her response. I will post our GChat conversation:
me: I"m really sad that our reunion is being marginalized for Bill O'Douchy.
Alicia: ugh. You know he was kidding, right?
me: NO! I WAS SO UPSET!
Alicia: Goddamnit.
me: HE FUCKING GOT ME SO BAD! Wow.
Alicia: HAHAHAHAHA
me: Applause, Mr. Balls. APPLAUSE. I FUCKING DREAMT ABOUT BILL O'REILLY LAST NIGHT! YOU JACKASSES!
Alicia: Weeeeeee are the chammmmmmpions, my friend
me: Because I was so upset!
Alicia: ahhhhhhhhhhahahaha
me: Oh my God, I'm so happy right now. Oh wait. Shit. I have to email JOn and TOm. They think you're not going.
Alicia: No way! hahahaha oh no
me: Dude! I WAS SO UPSET! I couldn't imagine you guys not bein gthere.
me: And last minute!
Alicia: It's funny cuz I just yelled at him the other night for never responding to you...and last night he was watching dumb O'Reilly and I said "holy shit - wouldn't it be funny if you told Paulash we weren't going cuz you had to go to the Bold Fresh tour?" he looked at me and said "...get me the laptop."
me: Hahaha. Wow. Wow. Seriously. I tip my hat to Balls.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been punked. Bad. I spent 12 hours being upset at really good friends of mine because they 1) Knew how much I was looking forward to this and having my people there and 2) Knew how much I absolutely loathe Bill O’Reilly. It was the perfect storm for their sinister plot and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Hahahaha.
Balls, you are one bad ass motherfucker.
I cannot WAIT until tomorrow! Maybe Bill O’Reilly will be there!!! Keep it pithy, folks!
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