When You Love Someone but it goes to waste – Could it be Worse?

I watched Rachel Getting Married today with my mom.  I’ve already seen the movie months ago with Anita and it’s an amazing movie, but that’s not the point of this.  All the drama in the movie aside, it made me feel so awful.  I mean, isn’t that what I’m supposed to be doing?  I’ve been engaged for like 6 months and we are nowhere with planning our wedding because apparently, I’d rather spend time in the ER than planning the rest of my life with the woman I love.  How can this be?  When did it get to this?

I feel so lost.  After this last stint in the hospital and having to spend day after day drugged up on pain killers just to breathe like a normal person; spending my nights injecting myself with other drugs just to keep me alive, I just don’t feel like myself anymore.  I don’t have the desire to do anything.  Nothing.  My friend Mike was nice enough to come over on Monday with his daughter so that we could exchange our Christmas gifts and even that felt forced.  He gave me an AMAZING signed (and authenticated) Dan Marino picture.  It’s absolutely incredible.  And when I saw it, I knew the reaction I was supposed to have, so well, I don’t want to say I faked it because I didn’t.  I genuinely love that picture and it makes me miss my house because I have no place to put it up right now, but I wasn’t as excited as I should’ve been.  I’ve become a zombie.

But I digress.  This wedding thing.  I know that the standard man’s line to wedding planning is “just tell me the date an I’ll be there” but come on!  I’m so much more sappy than that and I’ve been looking forward to all this wedding planning since I decided I wanted to get married!  This past Sunday, I missed going to a bridal show with Anita because I just don’t have the constitution to stay upright for that long.  So what did I do instead?  My mom and sister thought I could do with a change of scenery so we went down to Mou’s house to spend time with her family, specifically the kids.  What did I do?  I fell asleep on her couch.  With the kids running around me, screaming, and everyone having a good time.  I don’t even know why I fell asleep.  I hadn’t taken any pain killers at that point.  I just had a blood transfusion, so it wasn’t fatigue.  I just don’t think I enjoy being awake anymore.  I don’t recognize the person in the mirror, anymore.  I’m supposed to be the fun one.  What happened to all the fun?  Where did it go?  When did it turn into just waiting for the next disaster to strike?

Anita called me after going to the bridal show with her mother and expressed how much fun she had and I just felt awful.  I’m missing out on the best part of my life.  And for what?  For what I ask?

This entire experience is so disheartening.  It’s no wonder I feel so alone; I’m not even me anymore.